Have a Little Help
by jcrimjustice
Summary: Catherine gets a call from an old friend. Will she and Sara be able to help her? Last Chapter up, read and review please!
1. Chapter 1

Summery: Catherine gets a call from an old friend. Will she and Sara be able to help her?

Walking in from work, I started the process of leaving the night behind. Keys in there proper place, gun locked up, cell charging, there's something I'm missing, ah yes that's it Sara, sweet Sara, sleeping soundly in bed. Grabbing my pjs I head to the bathroom, quickly going through my ritual before crawling into bed with my love.

"Cath, hun, your phones ringing, wake up." Sara tells me, nudging me towards the racket that is my phone. I grunt reaching for my phone.

"Willows"

"Catherine?" I know that voice and she only calls me when she's lost or needs advice.

"Yeah, kiddo, it's me." I stretch waking a little more, looking back over to Sara, who has gone back to sleep.

"I didn't know who else to call. I know it's been a while since we talked or anything, but I need to talk to someone I trust and you were the only one I could think of."

"Yeah, been almost a year now hasn't it. What's going on?"

"I messed up and I don't know how to fix it. I think I lost her for good this time. I don't know what to do."

"Where are you? I'll come and get you, and then you can crash here for the night. We'll talk it out when you wake up." I slide out of bed and start towards the clothes I took off not to long ago.

"I'm at the diner. I'll be here when you get here. Be safe. Oh and Catherine, thank you." With that she hangs up, leaving me more confused than when I started.

I make my way back to the bed, sitting down on the edge, I shake Sara a little. "Sara, I have to go out, I'll be back in a little while. Love you."

Shifting around and blinking, Sara slowly opens her eyes to look at me. "Where you going and who was that on the phone?"

"I've got to go rescue an old friend, then I'm bringing her back here and coming back to bed." I lean down and kiss her forehead as she looks like she wants to ask something of me. "Remember me telling you about the girl I went to school with that was kinda like a daughter to me?" she nods "it was her. She messed up with something and is having a freak out about it. So I'm going to go get her."

"Okay, be careful. Love you" she sighs and lays back down rolling into my spot. I can't help but smile.

'Jess, what have you gotten yourself into this time? Who is this girl you think you lost for good? Kid we have some talking to do and this time I'm not letting you off the hook.'


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing… someone else does…. All original characters are mine though…….

A/n: I'm going to be switching pov's through the story… also I'm looking for a beta if interested message me

Chapter 2

-JPOV-

Sitting here, after hanging up with Catherine, I start thinking. Not the smartest thing for me to do right now. 'I'm close enough to the edge as it is, thinking just makes it worse, but then again what difference does it make? I've lost enough tonight, what if Catherine can't help me make sense of this? Why did I even call her? I've dragged enough people down, I'm sure she has a life that doesn't need this in it. I didn't even ask her if she was busy. She just said she'd be here. Good job, messing up again.'

I'm brought out of my musings by someone sitting down in front of me. I fight the instinct to run, and look up seeing Catherine looking back at me.

"Hey, Squeak, you hiding in there somewhere?" she asks and reaches across the table for my hand. "Why don't we head out of here and back to my place? You look like you could use some sleep."

"Huh? Oh yeah sleep, I guess I've been sitting here long enough." I slide out of the booth throwing some money down to cover my bill. "Hey, Kit, thanks for coming. I didn't know what else to do."

"You know me, always there to rescue you, but this time we're going to stop it before you need to be rescued okay?" she turns to look at me and I don't remember ever seeing her so serious. When she starts walking again, I follow wondering what kind of life she has now. What I'm interrupting by showing up in her life again. "Stop, stop thinking for right now, we'll talk about it later after we get some sleep. Just be for a little while, no thinking, just be."

"No think, just be, don't know if I can do it, but we'll see, huh? I messed up, Kit, big time." I tell her as we get to what must be her car. She unlocks the doors and we climb in.

"I don't know what ya did, Squeak, but we'll figure it out. You know we always do. Oh before I forget to tell you, I have a partner now, she's living with me and Lindsay, so she'll be there when we get home. Sara and I've been together now for almost a year." She looks over at me like I'm going to have a bad reaction or something. I figured out years ago she swung both ways, but I never would have thought she'd end up with a woman.

"Sara from your work Sara?" I ask laughing as she nods. "Guess you finally got off your butt about it huh? What did you think I was gonna freak about it? Honestly Kit, you know me better than that. Does she treat you and Linds right?"

"Yeah Sara from work, and yes she treats us both wonderfully. I think you'll like her a lot once you get to know her. And don't think you're getting off the hook that easy for dropping away for as long as you have. Where were you when I needed to talk to someone bout Sara?"

I look out the window as she drives us off the strip and towards the suburbs, asking myself the same questions. Why did I walk away from her? Simple she wanted me to straighten up and I didn't want to listen, she wanted me to be a better person and I wanted to stay the same. Tearing my gaze away from the landscape, I finally gather my nerve to look at her and answer. "I couldn't do it back then Kit, I couldn't be the person you were showing me I needed to be. I didn't wanna change. I'm sorry I left, and I thought about you guys a lot. I probably shouldn't have called you, but you are the only one who can understand what's inside my head right now. I don't know how to explain it."

Finishing my ramble, I turn back to the window, same scene flying by. I jump when I feel a hand on my thigh, quickly trying to cover my reaction hoping she didn't notice.

"It's okay, I just worry about you, and Lindsay misses you, too. We're here, let's get you in and settled I'll grab you something to change into, but if you want to look there maybe something in the guest bedroom dresser of yours to change into. Lindsay is at school and going to Nancy's afterwards, so it'll just be the three of us." She tells me as we walk into the house. Looking around everything seems to still be in the same place as it was the last time I was here. Somehow that's a comfort right now to me.

"Okay, I'm gonna go look in the dresser. I'll see you when you wake up. Thanks again for coming to get me." I tell her as I head up the stairs. Heading into the guest room, I look in the dresser and sure enough there is a pair of my pjs. I quickly change, turning back the covers and getting in bed. I sigh and lay on my back staring at the ceiling. How did things go wrong so fast? I don't know if Catherine can even help me this time. I'm brought out of my musings again by a knock on the door. "Yeah?"

"Just wanted to make sure you had sleepwear." She says as she comes in the room.

"Yeah found the pair I've been looking for. I was wondering what I did with them. Should have known you'd run off with them." I smile and laugh at her.

"That's what it is, I ran off with them." She laughs and sits down beside me, adjusting my covers. "It's okay to go to sleep now; I'll be here when you wake up. We'll talk then."

With that she leans down and kisses my forehead, standing and heading towards the door again. "You know I never have figured out our relationship. You always seem to know what's going on in my head before I do."

"Not really, I just learned to read you quick. Go to sleep, Squeak, you'll be waking up before you know it." She turns out the light and leaves me in the darkness. Maybe she's right, and I do need to sleep. Well here goes nothing. I turn over and close my eyes, quickly falling asleep.

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	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

JPOV

Waking up, I stretch and look around gathering my wits. For a moment, I can't recall where I am, but now I recognize it, Catherine's spare bedroom. I feel a little better now; somehow this place has always made me feel a little better, almost like coming home or something weird like that. I'm not sure I understand it, but I've learned not to question the things that make me feel better anymore. I don't want to get up, knowing I'll have to face Catherine and this Sara; it leaves me feeling a little off kilter. I'm not sure how to tell them what happened or why things are the way they are. I'm not sure I understand it enough to be able to talk about it any. I hope I can get my head wrapped around it quickly, cause if I know Kit, she'll wanna know what's going on as soon as possible, if she hasn't already figured some of it out. Throwing back the covers, I get out of bed and quickly dress before heading downstairs to face the music.

"Hey guys," I say making my way into the living room. "Do you mind if I get something to drink?"

Judging from the look on both of their faces I must have interrupted some sort of conversation. Must have been something important, the brunette looks irritated and confused. "Sorry if I'm interrupting something I can leave you alone for awhile. I'll just go out back or something."

Catherine looks from me to Sara, as if trying to judge what to do; she must have found her answer because she starts talking. "No, it's okay, I was just trying to explain who you are to Sara, but now that you're awake you can help me out some. Squeak this is Sara, Sara this is Jessica."

"Hi, Sara, it's nice to meet you. I've heard some about you." Geez I feel nervous now. I hate being nervous, but this woman is obviously important to Kit and that makes me jumpy.

"Hey, Jessica, I've heard a little about you. I gotta admit I'm a little confused, you're younger than I expected you to be, from what I heard, I was expecting someone a bit older." She looks at me like she's trying to figure me out all at once.

"Yeah I have a tendency to surprise people when they meet me." I laugh. "Sometimes I don't think it's a good thing though."

"I can understand that. Go ahead and get something to drink, there's food and sodas in the fridge, help yourself." Sara tells me and somehow I feel as though I'm being dismissed. I nod and head towards the kitchen. I'll just get a drink and head out back, wonder if she still has that bench out back.

SPOV

I feel the bed dip as Catherine climbs back in bed, I vaguely remember her telling me she had to go pick someone up. "Hey, did you get whatever it was taken care of?"

"Yeah, I picked her up; she's laying down in the guest room. She looks so lost, Sar, I don't know what to do." She scoots closer to me, and I wrap my arms around her. The heartache in her eyes makes me want to cry for her. This girl must be special to bring out such feelings in her.

"Sshhh, if she means that much to you, we'll figure out how to help her. Try and get some sleep, you know we won't let anything happen to her while she's here." I hold her tighter to me, placing a kiss on the top of her head while running my hand up and down her back. I feel her nod against my neck. "Night, baby, sweet dreams."

We stay like this for a long time, as I listen to her breathing even out and deepen, only then do I slip out of bed. Quietly slipping out of the bedroom, heading towards the guest room, opening the door and peaking inside seeing our guest curled into a ball and crying. I make my way towards her, wondering if I should wake Catherine or try to take care of it myself. Taking a seat on the edge of the mattress, I reach out putting my hand on her shoulder, deciding to take a play out of Cat's book, I take a chance and whisper to her, "It's okay, you're safe here. Nothing's going to happen while you're here, sleep peacefully. She'll still be here for you when you get up. I know we haven't actually met, but you apparently mean a lot to Catherine, so I'm willing to give you a chance. Just so you know you hurt her badly when you disappeared, so there's a lot for you both to talk about, but she cares and that means something to me. Rest safely, I'm sure there's going to be much talking going on later."

I stop talking realizing that I'm saying more than I wanted to, and not how I wanted to, but I continue to rub the shoulder under my hand, hoping to calm her down some, it seems to work as her breathing evens out again, and the whimpers are not coming as frequently. I stand up heading back to the bedroom and climbing back into bed, fortunately Cat doesn't seem to have moved while I was gone. Settling back in, I drift off to sleep knowing that the day ahead is going to hold some interesting times for all to have.


	4. Chapter 4

**Well here we are at chapter 4, I'm sure that a lot of you are wondering where this story is going, I'm not quite sure, it's taking me where my muse is leading. Thank you to all those who have reviewed, hopefully your questions will be answered in the next few chapters. **

**I'm still looking for a beta if anyone is interested please message me. Special thanks to Karyn and my muse. **

**Sorry for the delay in updating, real life has been kicking my while I was down. This chapter may end up leaving more questions than answers, but it's the way my muse is leading…. Hopefully I'll have another update ready and posted by the weekend. **

Chapter 4

CPOV

Sunlight filters in through the shades making me roll away from it, slowly waking; I listen to the sounds of the house. I'm guessing Sara is in the kitchen, sounds like she maybe cooking. I get out of bed remaking it and heading towards the sounds to see what's going on.

"Good afternoon, sweetheart, what are you getting into now?" I make my way over to stand behind her, my arms going around her waist. "Breakfast or lunch?"

"Same to you, sleepy head, before I forget Nancy called and wanted me to let you know she was going to pick up Lindsay and she is going to keep her for a couple of days for us. I kinda explained what I knew was going on, as soon as I told her who it was you went to pick up, she just told me to let you know." She tells me, stirring whatever it is on the stove. I nod against her back.

I step out of the embrace and go sit at the table, watching as Sara grabs down plates before serving up the food. She takes the seat across from me and we both begin to eat. "So what's the story with you and this girl?" she asks me.

I knew the question would eventually come, but I'm surprised that she's brought it up so soon. I stand before answering taking her hand and leading her to the living room. We take a seat on the couch, getting comfortable before answering her. "Well we met years ago, Squeak was just a kid, and I was back at UNLV talking to some students who were interested in forensics. She was one of the only ones who actually seemed to pay attention to what I was telling them, the rest; well they were typical college students, hung over, too little sleep, and party central. Squeak really challenged me with her theories and thought processes, trying to figure it out before I even finished telling them what had happened. I spent some time with her after my talk, and at least once or twice a week after that we'd get together and go over her studies and projects, and a few times she helped me with a different view of the cases I was working on. The more time I spent with her and learned about her, made me want to protect her. We've kept in contact over the years, except the few times she's disappeared for a time, but the one thing I've learned is that she always comes back here for some reason."

"So are you planning on going in tonight or do you want me to cover your shift for you? I figured since Linds was with Nancy it might be a good time for you two to be able to talk and stuff." She says quietly. "I just thought maybe you might like to spend some time with her and since I'm off tonight, it'd work out okay, I'm sure Grissom won't mind or he can just deal."

I have to laugh as she tells me the last bit, that's my love she would tell him to just deal, not that he'd really notice if we switched shifts. "I guess it would be for the best if we got some of the talking out of the way. If you're sure you don't mind, I'll take the offer and stay with squeak tonight. I just hope she's ready to talk, if not it could be a while."

We sit in silence for awhile, I glance over at Sara and she looks as though she is processing all of what I've told her. I'm not sure what conclusion she will come to, and if I know her, she'll probably do some investigating of her own tonight on Squeak.

I start to say something, and am cut short as Sara blurts out, "what could have happened that after a year of being out of your life, she suddenly blows back in? Is she in some sort of trouble and expecting you to solve it for her or something? Why did she even leave in the first place? None of this makes sense."

We both look up as Squeak walks in the room. There is a bit of conversation, but I'm more focused on how to respond to the questions that Sara has posed. There are many answers I can give her, but I'm not sure I actually know the answers to any of them. Bringing myself out of my thoughts I catch the last part of their conversation as Sara tells her to help herself to the fridge, I'm betting that Squeak will go off in search of her bench in the backyard.

"I'm gonna go call Gris and let him know we're switching tonight. Cath, I know that you don't have the answers to many of the questions I asked, I'm just wondering and thinking out loud. I just don't want to see you get hurt again, I don't want her to hurt you again." She tells me as she stands and heads out of the room.

"Sara, if counts for anything, I'm sure she never realized what she did or anything, and I hope that this time, we can keep her around." She nods in acknowledgement of what I told her and continues out of the room. I'm not sure if I should head out back and see how Squeak is or give her some time to herself, deciding I stand and head to the kitchen. I lean against the wall, looking out the patio door at her sitting on the bench with slumped shoulders. Whatever happened this time, she's beating herself up over it something fierce. If there's one thing I know about her it's that she will continue to beat herself up until we can find a solution and then some.

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	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks again to all those who have reviewed…. **

**A/n: _italics _indicate thoughts…. **

JPOV

I grab a bottle of water walking out the patio door, smiling to see my bench is still in the same spot. Sitting down, I take a drink and look around. Things haven't changed much since I left, the bushes are a little bit bigger and the flowers have spread, but other than that it all looks the same, more importantly, it feels the same. Closing my eyes, I breathe in the fresh air, soaking in the feeling of being safe and at home.

_I'm not sure how things spiraled out of control so fast, I know I've been feeling out of sorts lately, but I never thought I would lose it like that. I don't know what to do, I mean I left that was for the best, but I'm not sure where to go from here. How do I move on when I'm not sure I want to, but I don't know how to go back. How do I fix this? Leaving and being without her hurts so much, but I can't be near her if I'm going to react like this. I won't hurt her; I can't let myself hurt her. Somehow I've got to find a way to control me, control the bad inside. She doesn't even know the half of who or what I am. The beast must never be let near her. I wouldn't have even been near her if I thought that I wasn't in control. _

I shift on the bench; getting the feeling I'm not alone anymore. I turn and see Kit standing in the doorway. "You just gonna stand there or are you waiting for me to come in?" I stay quiet as she makes her way out to sit by me. Once she's sitting, I can't stop myself from talking. "I'm sorry, you know."

"For what?" she looks at me wanting me to say it, but already knowing what I'm talking about.

"For leaving like I did, not talking to you for all this time, then showing up to disrupt you once again." I tell her as I look at the ground.

"Why'd you leave? One day you were here and the next you were gone. I looked for you, you know? I looked every place I could think of that you would go. It always seemed like I was just behind you. It hurt." She tells me with tears in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Kit. I never meant to hurt you or nothing. I had to leave. I couldn't take it, you know too much about me. You see too much when you look at me. I wasn't ready to be the person I needed to be then, you were pointing out things that I needed to know and I wasn't ready to see them or to change them. I needed to get myself together, but I couldn't be here to do it. I had to sink or sail on my own. Make the mistakes and do the time for them. I don't know even now what I was looking for, but something found me along the way. Left to my own devices I managed to mess that up too." The words just keep falling out of my mouth; I can't stop them as much as I want to. Something about her makes me want to tell her everything and then run for the hills as fast as I can.

"I can accept that, but I will tell this only once more. I thought we had this straightened out the last time, but you know that I care about you, hell I love you like you're my own child, but I will not take you running in and out of mine and Lindsay's lives. It hurt her too, and you're going to have some explaining to do with her. She missed you for the longest time, still does. So which is it, did you sink or sail?" I hate it when she does this to me, some how she manages to make me think more than I need to and find the truth of what has happened. It's just not healthy.

"I'll try that's the best I can give you right now. Truth be told, I love both of you too, but I'm scared of hurting you more. I'm seriously losing it, if I haven't already lost it completely. I don't know which way to turn. I guess somehow I thought that coming back here would help ground me or something. I'm not sure that it was the smartest thing to do or anything."

"So how long have you been back?" She asks me, I guess she noticed me not answering her question. Truth is I'm not sure which I did, sink or sail, I guess I did a little of both.

"A little while, wasn't sure about calling you. I've kinda been working up to it, but then this happened and I had to call." I tell her looking back at the ground. It's funny that I can't look at her right now. I feel safe here, but I still can't look at the person helping me feel that way. "So are you working tonight?"

"Nah, I was supposed to, but Sara switched with me so I could spend sometime with you. So what's her name?" She shifts on the bench turning more towards me. "You know you are always welcome here. I told you that along time ago. That hasn't changed. It's gonna take a lot more than you running away to change that."

"I'm still sorry though. Her name is Allyson, she's a real sweetheart." I tell her smiling softly. "We met shortly after I left here, and have been together for about 10 months. I guess I should say had been, I'm not sure I can repair the damage I've done."

"So you met a winner and did something wrong, huh? Have you told her about your past?" Some how she makes a question that normally would sound judgmental sound like a natural inquiry.

"Yeah, she's a keeper and of course I messed up. I've told her some about my past, but this was the first time she really got a taste of it." I tell her as I move closer to her, my mind is screaming at me telling me so much that I'm not wanting to hear. I hope that being closer to her will help quiet it done some, maybe it'll work, maybe it won't, but I have to try. I hate to say it, but she's my last hope.

"Hey the sun's starting to set, why don't we go in and fix some dinner. Sara will be heading in to work soon, we'll talk more then. What sounds good to eat?" She stands reaching for my hand. I grab hers holding tightly, she looks at me and I shrug.

"I don't know, honestly I can't remember the last time I ate, so anything would probably be good now." I laugh slightly as we walk in. "Are you sure Sara's okay with me being here, and where's Lindsay?"

"Linds is staying with Nancy for a couple of days, so you have some time before seeing her again. As far as Sara goes, she pretty much said as long as you don't hurt us, she's okay with it. She may want to talk with you some, I'm not sure. I'm sure she's as confused by all of this as I am, but I have an advantage she doesn't, I know you. I know how you operate, and I'll tell you this, we'll get through this. It may take some time, but if you want it, I'll help you." With that being said, she turns around and wraps me in a hug. I let myself fall into the hug, failing in my fight to keep tears away. I give in and let the tears flow as I feel her hold on me tighten. I barely hear her whisper "are you willing to fight or are you leaving again?"

**Well that's chapter 5, sorry for the delay.. I hope this answers some of your questions. Thanks again for sticking with me on this one, I'm still working out the next chapter, and my muse has run away… if you find her, send her home please…. **

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	6. Chapter 6

Well here we go again… thanks to all who have reviewed… this chapter should be interesting….

CPOV

I stand here in the middle of my kitchen, holding onto a crying Squeak. I think I may have gotten through to her a little bit, although she still hasn't answered me if she's gonna leave or fight. Judging by how tightly she's holding on, I'm going to guess she's gonna stay. "So which is it?" I whisper to her as I rub her back. "It's your choice. If you want to fight, I'll help you, if you want to leave; you know where the door is."

"I've got to know if I can fix this, but I need help. I don't know what to do." She says between shudders, I nod.

"It's a start. That's what matters." Sara says as she walks in the kitchen. "Wanted to let you know, I think your phone was ringing. I heard it ring a few times while I was in the shower. So are we going to start dinner, or you want to order something in?"

I take a step back, and Squeak takes the opportunity to wipe at her eyes and straighten her shirt. "I thought maybe we could fix something tonight, figure miss thing over here hasn't had a decent meal in a while. It shouldn't take me long to whip something together."

"I'll go check my phone and freshen up. I'll be back down in a few minutes." With that she takes off out of the kitchen running upstairs. I listen to her footsteps up the stairs and into her room, before Sara interrupts my musings.

"So did you get to talk to her much?"

"Not really. We got it straightened out about her leaving, and I found out she met someone. This girl is part of the reason that she's here, and somehow related to what happened. I'm betting that it was her calling on the phone." I tell her as I move to grab some stuff out of the fridge. I start cutting up the veggies for a salad, while putting some spaghetti noodles in a pot to boil. Sara nods as I continue. "I'm going to try to get her to talk more tonight, but I'm not sure what she's going to tell me. I am at least a little happy that she's willing to try to fight instead of running away again."

"That's true. Need any help?" she smiles, I nod and point to some things she can help me cut up.

JPOV

I quickly run out of the kitchen and up the stairs to my room. I find my phone and see that I do have quite a few missed calls. Scanning through them, I see that Allyson has called a few times from her phone and there are some numbers from here in Vegas that I don't recognize. I debate on checking my voicemail for a minute before deciding to go ahead and get it over with. I dial the number listening to the recorded voice tell me I have 5 new messages. I start to listen to them.

'_Hey it's me, listen I know you got freaked out, but I'm sure we can work it out. Please just call me or something and let me know you're okay. I'm worried about you, but more than that I miss you. Please, Jess, just call me, or if you don't want to talk right now, send me a message, have someone else call me, just let me know that you're alive and okay.'_

I quickly delete the message, before listening to the next one.

'_Hey I'm starting to really get worried. Look I figure you went back to Vegas, if I don't hear from you soon, I'm going to come out there and look for you. We really need to talk, I don't know what's going on in your head, you won't take my calls, and I don't know what to do. So please just call me.'_

That call was from three days ago, I guess I should have checked my messages before. Although I'm not sure I would have called her back. She didn't leave a message each time she called though. I'm wondering if the calls from Vegas were her.

'_Hey it's me again, of course. I'm here in Vegas. I don't know where to start looking though. I'm staying at a motel off the strip, so if you get this would you please call me. I know that things didn't turn out the way we planned them to, but I promise we can work it out. There's just so much for us to talk about, but I can't keep having these one-sided conversations. They're not leading to many answers; I need my goober head to throw in some commentary. Oh yeah before I forget the name of the motel is the Bel-Aire, like I said it's off the strip. I hope to hear from you soon. I miss you, and I do love you.'_

I save that message. It's been a while since I heard her say I love you, I think I might want to hear it again sometime, if nothing else, I can always remember what I lost.

'_Hey, I haven't left a message since yesterday. I know that you have a friend who works out here at the crime lab. I don't know if I should try to call her or not, I don't know if you've gotten in touch with her or not, but I have to try something. I need to know where we stand, where I stand. Please call me, message me, anything just let me know what's going on. Hell if you have to send up smoke signals, anything just to let me know you're alive.'_

I feel a tear work it's way down my cheek. She sounds almost desperate. I'm not sure if she would call the lab or not, but I know that I need to tell Cat soon what happened. Maybe she can help me fix it better than I could alone.

'_Okay, so it's been another day since I left a message. So I guess you're still not taking my calls. Tonight I'm going to try to call the crime lab and see if I can't get a hold of your friend there. I figure that it's my last option. I've been here for three days, I've looked everywhere you've told me that you hung out at, but no one has seen you. I guess if you haven't contacted her, then I can report you missing out here too. If you wanted to break it off and leave, why couldn't you just tell me? That's all I needed to know. A simple, I can't be with you anymore, I'm leaving town, anything would be better than this not knowing and worrying. I'm going crazy thinking of all the things that could be going on while you're out there. I guess if you were dead, I'd know someone would have called me by now right? I think so or at least I hope so. I know I'm rambling, so I'm going to just hang up, but please call me. I love you, I miss you, and I need to hear your voice.'_

I sigh as I save this message too. Standing up, I look at myself in the mirror. I don't like what I see. I thought that by my leaving she would be better off, it would solve some of the problem. I guess in some ways, it caused a bigger problem, I didn't think she would follow me out here. I run my fingers through my hair, before heading downstairs.

"Hey guys, need any help?" I ask as I walk into the kitchen.

"Sure, can you set the table? Still remember where the plates and stuff are?" Catherine says as she looks me over. I guess she's looking to see if she can see what or who was on the phone just by looking at my face.

"As long as you haven't moved them, I still remember. What about drinks for you two." I ask as I move to the cabinet grabbing down plates and bowls. I take those out to the table, before coming back to grab silverware and napkins. I get the cups down, quickly fixing their drinks for them and taking them out to the table. "Do you need help with anything else?"

"Nah, I think we can get it from here." Sara tells me as she grabs the spaghetti while Cat grabs the salad and dressings. We all sit down and start eating; I figure I can tell her what happened after dinner. I'm not sure I want to tell Sara or wait and see what happens.


	7. Chapter 7

JPOV

As Kit walks Sara out to the car, I grab a pop and head to the living room, parking myself on the couch. I know that there is a lot I have to talk about, and I'm not sure how it's gonna turn out. In the end I know if I want things to work out, and I think I do, I have to have help. I hear the door close followed by footsteps, I guess Kit has come back in. "Sara off to work?"

"Yeah, she is and that leaves us with a whole evening to fill." She smirks while I sigh.

"I know there is a lot I need to tell you, but I'm not sure where to begin. I guess I should begin with me leaving." I shift on the sofa getting a little more comfortable before continuing. "When I left here, I wasn't sure where I wanted to go or what to do. I packed my stuff from the dorms, put it in storage, and caught a bus out of town. I headed east, thinking maybe I would go back to DC and see if there was anything left there for me. I think it was probably a week or so later that I made it to DC. I got a motel room just outside of the 'burbs, and started looking to see if any of my 'family' was left. I found out that my brother had put mother in an institution, but had chosen to keep the property just not using it. I got in touch with him, and he left me the keys and stuff for the property, seems like he figured even if he hates me, that I still needed somewhere decent to live, so I took it. I sat around for a month or so, trying to figure things out, but that wasn't helping. Course it didn't help that most of the time I wasn't thinking too clearly or anything. Soon I decided to get a job and found out that the bookstore that I had frequented when I was growing up was still open and hiring. I started working there, reading books in spare time, and generally trying to hide from everything. I was pretty successful until a little tornado flew into my life."

I stop here, chuckling at the memories of how bland my life was for those months before I got caught up with Allyson. "I thought a lot about what you had said before I left, I know that you were right, but me being able to see the mistakes I was making. I just wanted to be so different here than I was there, be someone not made in their image or what I had to be. I kinda forgot to be who I am, or was."

"It's true, you know, you can't run from who you are no matter how hard you try. I may have gone about it the wrong way, but I still believe you need to get back to the person you are, not the fancy outside." She tells me, turning towards me a little more. "So what happened after the tornado blew in?"

"Well, for a while I tried to ignore her, but that didn't work well, she just hung around. Some how we started being friends and along the way we started dating. Things were going great until about a month ago, but that's jumping ahead. We went out for a while, and then she moved into the house with me. It was nice, being able to be domestic without feeling like people were intruding or judging me. You know as well as anyone, that I don't show that side well, but with her, it was okay it felt right. We talked about having a commitment ceremony or something similar and about children in the future. Things were going good until it came time for me to meet her parents. She of course told me there was nothing to worry about, that they would love me." I stop here remembering the conversations that she and I had had before her parents came into town.

"Was that what happened? They had a bad reaction to you?" Catherine asks me.

"Bad reaction would be a good term for it, I guess. They were from up north, came into town to stay for a few days. I was a nervous wreak by the time Aly left to pick them up from the airport. I swear I cleaned the house from top to bottom three or four times before she left that afternoon. She kept telling me that everything was going to be fine, not to worry about it; they would love me as much as she did. I wanted to believe her, but I still had my doubts. I mean what exactly do I have to offer her, it's not like I have status or money or anything. I admit it is me that was moving up even dating her, but I could never belong in her world I knew that then and now. I had a few hours to waste before she would be back, so I started on the dinner we had planned. I got the china out for the table, linen napkins, the whole nine yards. I made sure that everything was perfect, well at least as perfect as I could get it." I laugh sarcastically. "So, dinner's done, I leave it warming in the oven, and wait for them to get back. When they finally do, I've got myself worked back up to being a nervous wreak again. I don't think I've ever been that polite to anyone, I practically sir and ma'am'd myself to death for the longest time that night. After dinner was over, I excused myself to get dessert and coffee, I overheard them talking. Her father was saying something about how I wasn't of the culture that they wanted for their daughter, that she was lowering her standards by even dating me, things that were making me uncomfortable. It wasn't so much that they were talking about me, but that they were saying these things to her. I already knew these things, that wasn't the problem. Do you want something to drink?"

I have to do something; the memory is driving me crazy again. I need move around; the movement should help me clear my head a little. "Sure, I'll have a water if you're heading that way." I nod and take off for the kitchen, grabbing her water and another soda for me. "Squeak, if you don't want to do this right now, we can wait."

"Nah, I've got to finish telling you. Hopefully you'll understand and stuff. Like I said, I heard them saying all this stuff, and even though I knew it was true, it just didn't feel right that they were judging me so quickly. Leaving the pie on the counter, I headed back into the dining room. I honestly had no idea what I was going to say, but I had to stop them from making her feel worse."

'_Please just stop' three heads snap around to look at me. 'Look I know I'm not what any parent would imagine for their child, and honestly sometimes I do wonder why she's still here with me, but I do love her and I would do anything for her. I just don't want to see her hurt.' _

'_No one's hurting her but you. Can't you see that by being with someone like you, she's losing her standing in her community, respect of friends and family, all the things that matter to someone of our standings.' Her father comes back with. _

'_Dad, stop. It's my choice to be with her, I love her and I do choose to be with her. You're right, she may not be of your standards, but I can't help who I choose to love and my heart chooses her.' Comes the impassioned response from Allyson. _

'_You would choose to be with the likes of her, instead of your family who has loved and raised you. You don't know who or what she is, I'll bet she hasn't even told you about her past, has she?' he smirks, sounds like he may have done his research on me. Granted I haven't told her all about me, but she didn't want to know either. I was planning on telling her someday._

'_Sir please, don't make' I start to respond, but I'm cut off. _

'_What don't tell her about the time you spent in mental institutions or group homes? Or maybe you mean about the time you spent in jail or your little conviction? Hmm, so much to choose from,' If possible his smirk grows even larger. _

_I feel anger rolling through me, and I know if I don't get out of here, I'm going to snap. I don't want to do that right now, I need to go run and calm down. 'You have no idea what that was all about. You have no idea what I went through during any of those times. I didn't deserve to be put away like that either time. It wasn't my choice; I was shipped off to be "protected".' I say walking towards the door. I've almost reached the door, when I feel myself yanked back strongly. _

'_Don't walk away from me, I'm not through talking and letting my daughter in on your secrets.' _

"_Dad, stop. I don't need to know any of this. What did you think you were doing running background checks on her' Aly attempts to break into the conversation again. _

'_Ah, princess, I just like to know what I'm dealing with, and this time I get to take out the trash before it infects you any further.' He tells her, his grip on my arm increasing to the point of bruising. My jaw clenches tighter as I try to fight the urge to hit him. I find myself wondering why her mother hasn't jumped in on the attack yet, I look around for her not seeing her anywhere. I shift, attempting to free myself from his grip. 'See I'm betting there's a lot of information that I have that you don't. It truly is funny what you can learn from people when you want to know.'_

'_I'm sure Jess will tell me when she's ready, if she hasn't told me yet, I have to believe there is a reason for that too.' I feel a little better at her response, but apparently her father doesn't as his grip increases. 'Let her go, Dad. We can talk about this later. Go find Mom and go back to the hotel. I think there has been enough talk tonight.'_

_He releases his hold on me, walking towards her. 'I'm not leaving without you tonight. If I'm correct your mother is packing a bag for you now.' _

_I'm sure the look on my face is priceless, but I don't have time to think about that as I see him reach out and take hold of her arm pulling her towards him. That's all it takes for me to see red. I let out a scream and launch myself towards him. _

"So that's all I remember. The next thing I remember is pulling myself up off the floor, seeing him holding his arm and blood on his face and shirt. I'm pretty sure his arm was broken, maybe his nose too. She was looking at me, lost and maybe scared, I mumbled out something I think was an apology and took off. And here I am, sitting here wondering what to do." I finish before looking up to see her face.

"Have you heard from her since you left?" she asks me. There is nothing in her look other than understanding and sadness.

"Yeah she's called a few times, she left a message earlier saying she was here in Vegas and that she was going to try to get in touch with you at the lab. Not sure how she figured out that I'd head here first thing, but she did. She's been calling since the morning after I left. She says she's sure that we can work it out, but I don't know." I shrug and sigh. "I really am lost."

She opens her arms and I fall into them once again losing the battle with my eyes. "Try not to think to much more about it tonight. I'm not at work, so I won't be able to talk to her. Maybe tomorrow we'll talk about me calling her or something. I can see what she wants or something." I nod not giving up my place of comfort so quickly, it's not long before I fall asleep.

**Well this chapter is a bit longer than the rest, but i hope that some of your questions have been answered. Remember that reviews are greatly appriciated. THANK YOU to all those who have reviewed... your thoughts are important to me...**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed on the last chapter!!! You all have my heartfelt gratitude for your kind words and thoughts. **

**CaptainK8: I'm wondering if your ideas are similar to mine… lol… I'm still surprised where this story is going… **

CPOV

I sit here listening to her tell her story, and I can't help but think about the pain she's putting herself through. It may sound wrong of me to even think it, but I know deep in my heart that anything she did to that man was purely because she believed the person she loves was in danger. I know she wouldn't intentionally cause harm to anyone, but she would protect those she loves and fears losing. I look down as I feel her breathing deepen and even out, she's fallen asleep. I reach behind us grabbing the throw, leaning back and wrapping it around her. If she's allowing me to comfort her, then I'll hold her all night if that makes her fell safer. Besides I need the time to sort out all that she's told me. I should probably call Sara and give her a heads-up to look out for any calls for me, but I don't know, maybe if she talks to this girl, then we can figure out more what to do.

She has to be terrified of so many things, that she lost her love, that she actually harmed a person, that the police are looking for her, her head must be driving her crazy. There is one thing I can do, I'll call Jim and see if he can look to see if there were charges filed. Then maybe that'll be one worry off her mind. Shifting slightly, I grab the phone dialing Jim's number.

"Brass"

"Jim, hi it's Catherine. I have a huge favor to ask you, and I understand if you can't do it." I tell him.

"What is it that you need?" he sounds interested.

"Are you at your office or on the streets?"

"I just walked back in the station from a case I was working with your other half." He laughs.

"Oh, nothing to bad I hope." I tell him and he grunts. "I need you to run a name for me, see if there are any recent inquiries or reports." I give him Squeak's info, and wait for the request to come back.

"Well, there is a missing persons report filed about a week ago in Washington, DC, other than that I'm not seeing anything. What's up with this person the name sounds familiar?" I breathe a sigh of relief at hearing that, but am curious as to the missing persons report. I hope she's not looking for her just to hurt her more. I then refresh his memory of who Squeak is and that she's back in town. I ask him to hold off reporting that she's been found, until we can figure out exactly what's going on. "I'll hold off, but you gotta get her to call me. I have to admit I've been wondering whatever happened to her. I know neither one of us could find her after she took off. Almost reminds me of Ellie a little bit, but enough of that, give her a hug for me and make sure she calls me when she feels up to it."

I agree and we hang up, looking over at the clock, I decide to try and get some sleep before either Squeak wakes up or Sara gets home. I readjust the blanket, wrapping her up a little tighter, before whispering "sleep safe, they didn't file charges, just a missing persons report. No one's gonna hurt you here." A whimper is her reply; I chuckle, shifting us to a more comfortable position to sleep in.

SPOV

Grabbing my kit and the evidence from the latest crime scene I head back into the lab. Walking in I notice a young blond standing at the reception desk looking lost.

"Can I help you?" I ask as I near.

"Umm, maybe I'm looking for Catherine Willows. I was hoping to speak with her for a minute." She tells me nervously.

"She's not in this evening, I'm her partner, Sara Sidle, perhaps I can help you with something?" something tells me this girl might be the missing piece to the Squeak puzzle.

"I'm not sure. It's worth a shot." She's come to some sort of decision, I'm not sure wither I like it or not though.

"Come with me, we'll use Catherine's office, if you don't mind waiting for me to drop this stuff off, I'll try to help you. I'm sorry I didn't catch your name."

"Oh sorry I'm Allyson. That's fine I can wait, I've waited this long a little bit more isn't going to hurt." She laughs and gives me a small smile. I nod and show her into the office before running to drop off my evidence. Stopping in the break room, I pull out my phone, debating on calling Cat or not. I finally settle on calling just to check on them.

"Hello" comes a sleepy voice.

"Hey baby, I was just calling to see how things are going." I tell her, smiling at the sound of her voice.

"Hey, I must have fallen asleep. How are things with you." She asks waking a little more.

"I'm good, did you two get a chance to talk?" I know I probably shouldn't, but I want to see how much I can learn, before I tell her the true reason I'm calling.

"Yeah we talked, I found out what made her come back. Seems her girlfriend's parents didn't take too kindly to her, and she flipped out. There were good reasons if you know her, but I'm not sure the girlfriend knows all the reasons or not. Oh, just in case I may be getting a call from her tonight at work, if she hasn't already called." She sounds concerned; I'm not sure who about though.

"I'll take your word on the reasons, just so you know there is a girl here named Allyson, she was looking for you. Do you want me to talk to her or do you want to come in?" might as well tell her and see what she wants to do; I figure she knows Squeak better so maybe she can aim me in how to handle this.

"Honestly I'm not sure. Normally I'd say I'd come in, but Jess cried herself to sleep, and is still holding on to me. I talked to Jim earlier had him run her name and stuff; I wanted to find out if there was anything we should know about that she might be running from. He only found a missing persons report for her out of DC, but I kind of expected that. She said that Allyson had tried to get in contact with her since she left. I guess talk to her; hear her side of the story, maybe that'll help us out some. I'm worried, Sar, she's close to giving up completely, I'm not sure if I'm gonna be enough to reach her this time." I hear her voice break and I know she's close to tears.

"Shh, baby, we'll figure it out. I'll talk to this girl and then we'll go from there, okay? Try not to let it upset you too much tonight, huh? I'll wake you when I get in and we can talk some more. Go back to sleep." I tell her, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Okay, I love you. Try and have a decent night, we'll probably still be on the couch when you get in."

"I love you too, sleep well and sweet dreams" I sigh as I hang up wonder how far I can get with this girl without telling her I know where Jess is. I guess I'll just have to play it as it comes.

**Well there's chapter 8, as for nine, I'm planning on getting Allyson's side of the story out, but I'm having a little trouble with it. Hopefully I'll get it up within the week. Thanks for sticking with me and this story, it means a lot. **

**As always reviews are greatly appreciated. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Well this should prove interesting. Sara and Allyson talk… hopefully it makes sense to you all and helps fill in some of the gaps in the what happened section of your questions… enjoy**

SPOV

I leave the break room with a couple bottles of water, heading to Catherine's office. I'm not sure what talking to this girl is going to bring to light. I knock lightly on the door to announce my presence before entering.

"Hi, I brought you a water figured you might like something. You said you were here to talk to Catherine, if I may ask what exactly were you hoping to speak with her about." I take a seat across from the couch she's currently occupying.

"Well, a friend of mine has spoken of her as a friend, and since my friend is missing I thought that Ms. Willows might be able to help me find her. She's been gone for close to two weeks, and I'm worried. She didn't leave under the best circumstances." She fidgets on the couch. "I'm not sure if she would have even come here, but I had to try."

"Well, Catherine is off this evening, like I said, I'm not sure how much I can help you, but have you filed a missing persons report?" I'm stalling I admit it, she didn't really give me much info to go on, and I'm trying to get more. "If you haven't I could get a detective over here and you could file one now."

"Yeah I filed one back home; I brought a copy if you want to see it." I nod and she pulls out some papers handing them to me. It seems pretty straight forward, looks like a simple runaway, but I'm not seeing anything about girlfriend in here.

"So what makes you think that she would come here, or more specifically to Catherine?" I ask continuing to look the report over.

"Jessica, that's my friend, went to school here. She said that they were close and that Ms. Willows had helped her out a lot when she was in school and afterwards, I know that she left here and came back to DC. She had talked about coming back to Vegas to see everyone again. I know it might seem like a long shot, but part of her considered this home; I hoped that if nothing else maybe she would have contacted her. I've tried calling, but she won't answer or return my calls." Allyson looks at me like she's debating on what to tell me. I'm not sure how much more this conversation can hold without me telling her the truth, but I want to know what happened too. "Look I'm going to be completely honest with you, I'm past the point of caring what people think, and I need help. Jessica, well she's more than just a friend, she's my girlfriend. We've been dating for almost 11 months now. It's one of the reasons I'm worried about her."

"I can understand that. I'm not going to judge you, if that's what you're thinking. Whatever you'd like to tell me that you think will help, I'll listen. I can get with Catherine tomorrow when she comes in and relay the information to her, or you can come back in, it's up to you." This may just be the best route to take, considering.

"Earlier this month I finally got up the nerve to introduce her to my parents. They live up north, so it took a few weeks for them to arrange to come down, but finally they did get into town. Seems that my dad didn't need the time to arrange the visit, but to find out all that he could about her, he didn't trust my judgment. After dinner, he started spewing all sorts of nonsense about how she wasn't the right type for me or of enough class, different things. Apparently Jessica overheard some of the things that he said, she tried to explain things, begged him to stop, finally she tried to walk away but he was holding on to her arm so tightly. I thought he was going to hurt her badly. I tried talking to him, but he tried to tell me he was protecting me. When I told him to leave, he let go of her, telling me he was leaving but not without me. I guess that his grabbing a hold of me was probably what set her off, I'm honestly not sure. I remember her screaming, then there was a scuffle, in the end, Dad had a broken nose and arm to show for his efforts. When the fighting ended, I looked at her, but she wasn't looking at me. I just watched her trying to figure it all out in my head, you know? It didn't make sense completely yet, some of it still doesn't even now. It wasn't very long before she finally looked at me, kept saying that she was sorry, didn't mean for it to happen, and not again before she jumped up and took off. I ran off behind her, but she was faster. By the time I made it to the corner of the block, she was gone. I didn't know which way to look."

"Did you call the police?" I ask wondering why her father wouldn't report such a crime if he wanted Allyson away from Squeak.

"Dad wanted to, but I talked him out of it, told him if he did, I'd never speak to him again. He did go to the hospital, and I started looking for her. I drove around town for awhile, but honestly, I figured she'd come back home soon. Usually when she gets upset or something she goes for a run and then when she calms down comes back home. When she hadn't come home the next day I started to worry. I waited a few more days before I filed a missing person report. I kept calling her cell phone, but she wouldn't answer. It wasn't till 4 days ago that I got here; I looked at all the places she had talked about going before, hoping she would be there. I've been leaving messages for her, and the last one I left I told her that I was going to call here for Ms. Willows. I thought maybe if I told her I was calling but instead came; maybe I would run into her here. Like I said it's a long shot, but I would appreciate any help you can offer." She looks at me with tears in her eyes. I have to talk to Cath; she would know what to do in this situation.

"I'm not sure how much I can help, but I'll do what I can. Where are you staying while you're in town?" I ask writing down the info as she tells me. "Would you like a ride back to your hotel?"

When she nods, I excuse myself to let Grissom know what's going on and that I'm taking the rest of the night off. As we walk out getting in the car and heading towards the hotel, I wonder where this information is going to lead. Is it any different than the stuff that Squeak told Cat or does it just help make more sense out of it all. Pulling into the parking lot, I give her my card as she gets out. She thanks me again for listening, I nod pulling out and heading home.

**See the cute little button below?? Hit it and let me know whatcha think… **


	10. authors note

Hey all, sorry that I've been so long in updating…. Real life is kicking my bottom…. Between school and having to put my mom in a nursing home (she's not doing to well), I'm afraid that my muses have also taking a vacation apparently…. I'm looking for them diligently…. Lol… but I am attempting to work on getting the next chapter up as soon as possible….


	11. Chapter 10

Well moving right along, slowly but surely, here's chapter 10……

CPOV

I wake feeling Squeak shift against me and the front door opening. Groaning I slide out from where she's holding me hostage, quickly sliding a pillow in my place and recovering her. I make my way towards the door to see what Sara has to say about the talk she had with Allyson.

"Hey babe, you get much sleep?" she says wrapping me in a hug, kissing the top of my head. I nod from my position tucked under her chin. "Good, I know you want to know about the conversation, but I want to get some sleep too, how bout we talk this afternoon?"

"Okay," I sigh, stepping out of the hug. I check on Squeak one last time before following Sara upstairs to get some more rest. She's right as much as I want to know what happened, it probably make more sense after some sleep.

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Waking up the sunlight tickling my eyes, I groan and roll away from it. Sara shifts closer behind me, I try to settle back in, but I can't. I hear sounds from downstairs, Squeak must be up. Thinking about her only leads to me wondering what exactly if anything Sara found out last night. My head tells me that this girl might not be the person I think she is, but my heart tells it that she is. She's come out here looking for her, but to what end? I'm not sure how much more pain or heartache my girl can handle. My girl, it still seems weird to call her that, but minus the whole child birth and DNA thing, she is mine. I've been there for her through a lot of stuff, and she's been there for me and Lindsay both, so yeah I guess what it boils down to is that my heart considers her my daughter too. No matter what anyone else has ever said, she's one of my girls too, and I won't let any of my girls be hurt, not if I can help it. I slide out of bed and make my way down to the living room, might as well see what she's up to now.

"Hey, what's going on?" I ask taking a seat next to her.

"Eh, not much just sitting here thinking, something I keep telling myself that I won't do again, but here I sit thinking some more." She shrugs as she tells me.

"So what are ya thinking about? Something interesting or just some general nothingness?" I ask, trying to throw some humor into the conversation.

"Little of both, I keep wondering why she's in town, if she came here to find me to tell me how much I screwed up her life and then to make it more fun, let Papa Jim arrest me. Or maybe she's here because she cares and wants to work things out, but I'm not sure that I even deserve that. I admit part of me wants to pick up that phone, call her and find out for sure why she's here, but there is another part of me that wants to run and hide. I don't know which one to listen to, but more importantly, I'm not sure which will win. I love her I know that much for sure, but how can she feel anything other than repulsion for me after seeing what I did. All the therapy and counseling I got only to blow up and throw it all away."

I can see that she's getting ready for a long tangent, and I have a few things to say so I jump in before she gets wound up any further. "Well, one thing I know for sure is that if anyone can get through that thick shell of your's then they will most definitely see what I know is there, someone who cares more about the people around them, then life itself, and believe me that person deserves to be loved too. I'm not sure why she's here either, but I do know that someone named Allyson came to see me last night at work and that Sara talked to them. Now while I realize that it may be the same person, it may not be, so we can wait till she gets up to find out, or we can pick up the phone and call her. Oh, and just so you know, I'm happy you finally got counseling, I'm not sure you threw it all away, maybe just a setback or two." I smile at her as I say it, hoping to lessen some of the sting. While the mother bear in me wants to call this girl and find out what she wants with one of my babies, the other part of me knows that pushing anymore into the situation will only push Squeak further away. I just have to sit back and bide my time until she figures out what it is she wants to do.

"Who knows you maybe right, but I just can't figure it out in my head. Like if I saw someone behave the way I did with you or Lindsay, I would be hunting them down. So I can't figure how she could be here for good reasons. As much as I'm curious, I'm too scared to call her, and I'm almost afraid of what Sara thinks now. I figure she doesn't know much about me to begin with, and now hearing whatever it is she heard I'm almost surprised she didn't kick my butt this morning when she came in." she tells me, leaning her head back on the couch.

"Well I'm glad to hear that you would protect them, as for what I think maybe we could sit down and talk about it. You're right I don't know much about you, but you're important to both Catherine and Lindsay. That means I need to learn more about you, I'm not gonna ask you to tell me more than you want to, but I would like to hear you're side of the story." Sara walks into the living room sitting across from us. "I'll tell you both what I was told, but only after I've had coffee and food."

Well guys there's the new chappie… sorry for the cliffie, but inspiration has been running low for me. hopefully things will be getting back to normal soon, I've got 3 ½ weeks left of school this semester, so that means more time for writing after I've studied my brain off.. lol….

Don't forget to review please!!!


	12. Chapter 11

SPOV

I stand up heading to the kitchen, pouring a cup of coffee while making toast. I'm not sure exactly how to explain what I learned last night, I only know one side of the story, and I'm not sure what to make of what I do know. I figure Cath knows Squeak's side, so maybe that will help me make sense of it all. My toast pops up and I grab it before heading over to the table. Finishing eating I put my dishes in the dishwasher, heading back to the living room taking a seat in my chair again.

"Well I'm not sure what to make of what I've been told, granted I only know one side of it, but I'm trying to follow the evidence. Last night as I heading back into the lab from a scene, I ran into someone looking for Catherine. I explained to her that obviously you weren't there, but asked if I could help her. We sat down to talk, and she said she was looking for a missing friend of hers, she had a missing persons report, and she told me her name was Allyson. After a little bit, she told me that something had happened back home that had scared her friend, and that she was worried about her. She eventually told me that her friend was in fact her girlfriend, and that there was an incident between her father and her girlfriend. After the fight was over, the girlfriend, Jessica, got scared and took off. From what I was told, Allyson chased after her, but she was running too fast. Seems she's been calling and leaving messages before she decided to come out here and see if by any chance Catherine had heard from you." I tell them running through it in mostly clinical terms might help me figure it out some. "I didn't tell her that you were here I figured that was your place, Squeak. After we talked I took her back to her hotel and came home."

Squeak looks at me with confusion written across her face, while Catherine is slowly putting all the pieces of the puzzle together in her mind. I just lean back and let the silence stand until one of them starts talking again. It doesn't take long before Squeak speaks up and when she does, she starts rambling.

"She's worried? Why would she be worried, I mean with what she saw, I really did figure that would be the end. Yeah sure I had told her I had a temper, but telling someone and then them seeing it are two totally different things. Not only did she see my temper, but I hurt her dad. Even though he didn't have any right to tell her the things he did, that's still no reason for me to react the way I did. I mean yeah she's old enough to make her own decisions, but it really did look like he was hurting her. I've never liked it when someone hurts someone else, but this was different, this was someone I love. He wanted to take her away, I probably should have let him, at least she'd have never seen what she did. I can't figure out why she didn't just pack up all her stuff, leave and forget about me. Some how I think it might be easier for me if she had just forgotten about me. How do I explain this to her, how could she ever forgive me for it? That's just something that I have no right to ask or expect. What do I do, I just don't know what to do." Squeak finishes, picking at her nails, looking between me and Catherine.

"Well like I said earlier, you have two choices, call her or wait it out, but you know as well as I do, you can't hide forever. I think you should try to talk to her, if not in person then over the phone. You owe it to yourself and to her to do that much." Catherine tells her.

"How do I move past this? I can't say for sure that it won't happen again. How do I know that next time it won't be her that ends up getting my anger? How do I explain that to her?" she asks quietly.

Silence once again reigns as I think about what she's said. It's true she can't make promises that she doesn't know if she can keep, but still, "you guys have been together for nearly 11 months from what I heard, in all that time, have you ever once lashed out at her physically?" Squeak shakes her head no. "Then how can you know that you will or won't lash out. Surely in 11 months you have gotten into disagreements or arguments, but still you never lashed out, why not?"

"Usually if I got too upset or something, I would go for a run or something until I calmed down. It just made it easier to do something else to get rid of the extra emotions as I tried to deal with them. I dunno, maybe I just wasn't as mad." She doesn't even look up as she tells us this.

Catherine looks like she may have a plan. "Or maybe you just never felt like she was in danger, real or not. Maybe that's what it took for that side of you to kick in. Sara's right, in the time you've been together; you took precautions to protect her, be it going for a run or something else. I'm willing to bet that you've even locked yourself in a room until you were thinking more clearly, am I right?" she nods her response. "Then how can you not take the chance that you'll react the same way, cause no matter what way I think on it from, it always seems like you were trying to protect her. Answer me this, when you went after her father, why did you do it?"

I admit I am interested to know the answer to that one, I've been wondering why also. "When he grabbed her arm and started pulling her towards him, the look on her face was horrible. It's something I never wanted to see there." She says, in her eyes it seems like she is reliving the moment, trying to explain it to us. "When she had asked him to let me go, she looked confused and maybe a little scared, but when he grabbed a hold of her, she looked terrified. It broke my heart she had tears running down her face. Shortly after we started dating, when I realized I was serious about her, I promised myself that I would do anything I could to protect her. When I looked at her, seeing the sight that was before me, I just couldn't stand by and do nothing, but I really didn't handle it the right way. I was scared that if she did leave with them, I'd never see her again and I was afraid of what he would tell her. I know it's not a good reason, but it's all I have."

Watching her, watching the tears running down her face, I feel a little piece of me reminding me of what it is like to be standing in her place. I think I understand now why Cath is way she is about Squeak. "That's all the reason you need." I tell her, moving over to sit beside her. "I understand where you're coming from, but I think you really need to talk with her. She seemed like she really was worried about you, if nothing else just call her, let her know you're still alive." I don't know what I would do in her situation, thinking about it, Catherine and I were lucky the team accepted us, as did Lindsay and Catherine's family. Maybe we can help her find the way out of this after all.


	13. Chapter 12

**Well here we are again. It's another chapter. I'm trying to wrap this up, but each time I do, something pops up that begs to be added to it. So here we go again. Lol.**

JPOV

I sit here alone in the house wondering what I should do. Catherine and Sara have gone to the store, so I'm just sitting here staring at the phone. Part of me thinks that I should pick up the phone and call her, but I'm scared to. Kit was right, I do owe it to her, but what do I say? Standing I head upstairs to grab my cell I'm not going to call her from the house phone, just in case I don't want her knowing where I am. Finding my phone, I dial her number.

"Jess, is that you?" she answers after the first ring.

"Yeah, it's me." It's funny, now that I have her on the phone; I'm not sure what to say. "I, uh, wanted to call and let you know that I am alive and that I was sorry."

"Well, I guess better late than never. I've been worried about you; you just left didn't take anything with you. I've been looking for you." She's almost whispering I can hear the tears in her voice.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do." I don't know what she wants to hear, this is harder than I thought.

"I'm guessing you're not going to tell me where you are, but will you at least tell me if you're safe or not?"

"I am some place safe. I don't know what to do, Aly. I've been sitting here trying to figure it out. I don't know how to explain what I did, I don't know how to keep it from happening again and I never did really want to hurt you." I know I should shut up now, but once again my mouth is ignoring me. "I couldn't handle the thought that someone was hurting you. I'm sorry I attacked him, but I'm not sorry that I tried to protect you from him. It wasn't the right way to do it, and I'm sorry for that. I'm not sure why you've still been calling and looking for me, if I was in your place I would have run as quickly as I could away. I know it's not worth much, but I am sorry." I finally stop talking, reaching up to wipe the tears that have made their way out.

"Jess, I know you're sorry, I know you got scared that's why you ran. As for why I keep calling and looking for you, I love you plain and simple. I'm sorry for the way my father acted and what he did. I'll be the first to admit he had no right to do what he did. I'll admit I'm curious about your past, but I don't want to hear it from anyone else but you. If you want to tell me someday, then that's when I'll find out. Are you planning on coming back home?" she sounds different now, almost resigned or defeated, nothing like the person I know.

"I don't know. What are you planning on doing, I mean the house is still there I assume are you still living there?" It's a stupid question I know, but it's something.

"I guess that depends on you. The house is the way you left it, other than I cleaned up. No I haven't moved any of my stuff out, I was kinda hoping that we could work this out, but if you want me to move out, I will. Are you giving up on us?"

"It's probably better I don't want you to be hurt any more than you already have been. That's never what I wanted, I only want you happy." I'm crying now, there's no denying that, but somehow I have to make her understand where I'm coming from.

"We were happy, and I know that we still could be. I want to see you, I need to see you. We can have this conversation all day over the phone and get no where, I need to be looking at you when I tell you this. Please can you give me some idea where you are, where we can meet?" she's begging, and I want to tell her, but I'm still scared.

"I can't right this minute, can I call you back?" I ask and she sighs. I guess that is a yes, so I continue. "I will call you back soon. It might not be today, but it will be soon. For what it's worth, I do love you."

I quickly hang up, not wanting to hear her response. I'm not sure what I would do if she had told me she loves me again. As much as I want to believe her, I don't know how I can knowing what I do know and what she doesn't know. I put my phone back on the dresser before heading back downstairs.

_How can she love someone that she knows pretty much nothing about? Sure she knows about me being here in Vegas, but not much about me growing up. She knows the good stuff, but not much about the crap that I've done and been through. I know that she deserves to know, but I'm not sure that it would make much of a difference right now. Should I meet her? I mean it would be the decent thing to do, I guess I could talk to Kit and Sara see what they think. Although I'm pretty sure that they'll tell me that it's better to meet her and get it straightened out. Sure it probably is, but how do I begin to tell her about my life? There's so much that no one else knows, stuff that I'm not sure anyone wants to know. I don't even want to know and I lived it. _

I'm brought out of my thoughts by the sound of Sara and Catherine walking in. "Hey, need any help?"

"Yeah, that'd be nice. There is some more stuff in the truck." Sara tells me, I nod before heading out and grabbing some bags. The three of us quickly get everything brought in and put up.

We're sitting out back and I figure I might as well let them know about the conversation I had with Aly. "I called her."

"How did it go?" Catherine asks me.

"Eh, I'm not sure. She wants to meet up with me, said that she needs to have this talk with me face to face. She said she was sorry for the way things went with her dad." I shrug, I don't know any more now then I did before.

"What do you think? Do you want to meet with her?" she asks. I wonder what part in this conversation Sara is going to play.

"I'm not sure. Part of me wants to, but I'm still afraid of what she might do. I know that I owe it to her, but I'm not sure how to handle it. I didn't tell her I was here or even in Vegas. She hasn't even moved out of the house, said everything was the same as I left it other than she cleaned it up some. That just doesn't sound right to me, I can't make sense of it at all." I'm lost I admit it.

"Well, we know where she's staying at, maybe you could meet her there or in the park or something like that. If you do decide to meet her, it might be easier to do it on neutral ground." Sara tells me. "While I think it is something that you need to think about, it's not something that needs to be decided right this minute. The longer you hold off on this, the more it's going to hurt the both of you."

Deep inside I know she's right, I do need to buck up and make my decision, but knowing what the right one is, is harder. "It's weird I know that it is something I need to do, but I'm not sure I know what I want to do. It's just hard. I think I almost wish she had just written me off and forgotten about me. It would have been easier."

They both look at me and nod, before standing. "It's getting time for us to start getting ready for work. I'll start something for dinner when I come back down." Cath tells me.

"I'll fix something make it easier that way you won't have to rush. I do still remember how to cook ya know." I pout laughing. Heading in the kitchen, I take a look in the fridge and freezer trying to figure out what to fix. Finally deciding, I grab out the stuff making quick work of the prep and cooking.

**The next chapter should be posted soon... looking for ideas on wrapping this up, got suggestions or idea??? let me know please... while your reading this, hit the cute lil button below and leave a review!!!!!!**

**gravitygirl**


	14. Chapter 13

JPOV

I sit here staring at my phone, it's 3 in the morning and I can't sleep. I keep thinking about talking with Aly earlier. The sound of her voice, the tears I could hear, and the ones I didn't. I want to believe her when she said that we could work this out, work through it, but how can we if I won't talk to her? Some thing has to be done, and for some reason I think now is the time to do it. Grabbing my phone and the key that Sara and Kit left for me, I make my way out to the car. I didn't think I'd be using it before, but now I'm glad that they left me the keys to their spare vehicle. I pull the paper out of my pocket where I'd written down the name of the hotel she's staying in. I pull out of the driveway heading for whatever lies inside that hotel room.

Quicker than I may want to, I arrive and am standing outside her door. It's silly to think that she's still awake, if I had thought about this first I might have considered the time and that she is probably asleep. I always have hated waking her, but I need to do this before I lose my nerve. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to tell her, only that something needs to be said. I reach up and quickly knock on the door. I hear someone moving around inside before the door is opened to reveal her. She looks so much different than I remember, there are dark circles around her eyes and she looks thinner, definitely not like the person I left behind in DC. She's staring at me like she's not sure if she should believe I'm really standing here or not, I guess I should say something.

"Hi" well I'm sure I could have come up with something better than that, or at least I would hope so.

"Are you really standing there? Am I dreaming?" she's on the verge of tears again, whispering the questions more than speaking them.

"Yeah, I know I told you I'd call back, but I couldn't sleep and we need to talk. Can I come in?" I half smile at her. She nods and I step in.

"Sit down, do you want something to drink?" she asks as I sit down. I nod and she grabs me a soda handing it to me.

"Thanks. Before we talk about what happened, there's something's I need to tell you. I know you said that you could wait until I am ready to tell you, but after what happened, you need to know. I don't want you thinking that we can work things out, only to find out that I carry too much baggage for you to deal with. There's a lot that has happened to me, that somehow ends up hurting you too. I'm not sure how much I'll be able to tell you right now, but I'll try to get the important stuff out."

"You don't have to tell me, you're here right now that's what matters." She starts to tell me, I interrupt before she gets too far into it. "Yeah I do. You need to understand what your father wanted you to know. After what happened, I'm not sure if it was the best thing for me to stop him from telling you."

She looks at me raising her eyebrow in that way that says, _'surely you don't believe that one'_. I shrug taking a drink before starting to tell her.

"You know the easy stuff like that I was adopted at six weeks old by my great aunt and uncle. They had a son already, he was 14 when they got me, so he wasn't around much, but from what I understand, I was really attached to him when I was little. Dad died when I was 2, Da was 16, then when he graduated from high school, he quickly headed off to college and then to the army. I didn't see him but like once or twice from the time I was 4, until 4th grade, so it was just me and mom most of that time. I don't really remember anything that bad, other than a few small things. Like one time, Mom was out for some reason, I was small Da decided that it was time for me to grow up, so he got a big box and packed all of my toys in it, before putting it down in the basement. He told me that I was too old for toys and when I cried, he told me the one thing that has always stuck with me, big kids don't cry, if you want to be a big kid, suck it up and quit crying. Needless to say, I didn't cry much after that day." I pause taking a deep breath, trying to block out the tears I feel starting.

"Like I said, he didn't come back home until I was in 4th grade, when he did though, he had a wife. So for the next few years things were okay, he would take me out for different events usually like once a week, and to all the father-daughter events that school or Girl Scouts had. Yes I know, as odd as it seems, I was a Girl Scout. He moved home around the time I was in like 5th grade; he caught his wife cheating, so he moved back in with me and mom. That was all good with me, he was after all my hero, I wanted to be just like him when I grew up." I stop here to let out a chuckle that always escapes when I think about my idolizing him. "Around this time, things started getting fun for me. I got kicked out of the school I'd always gone to for skipping class. I didn't by the way, but that didn't matter to them, a couple of days before they kicked me out though, I had an 'accident' on the school bus, the driver 'accidentally' pushed me off the bus with the door still closed. It busted my knee up real good, but within the month, Mom had proudly enrolled me at a Christian school that friends of the family ran. Eventually I managed to make friends there, made it through the rest of 5th grade and part of 6th before I got kicked out of there too. Apparently when someone hits you in the face with a ball, hitting them back is not the right thing to do. So I went to one of the two middle schools in the area. Things were nice there until some of the other girls decided I was too different from them to be there, so I spent the next few months getting beat up at school. Funny thing was I was the school geek, always able to understand things in school that were above the grade level, knew things that other kids my age didn't know or understand, different things like that. When Mom finally found out, she took me out of that school. By this time, Da had moved out of Mom's house and was dating a woman with a daughter, so they had bought a place and moved in. Mom sent me to a little one room, one size fits all Christian school, and I guess she was hoping that I would behave better or fit in or something. I'm still not sure to this day. Turns out this time it wasn't me that got in trouble it was her, there was a disagreement with the principal and his wife, and again I got kicked out. About a week later, I was enrolled in the other middle school in the area; by now it was 2nd quarter of my 8th grade year. I'm sure there's probably some small things that I'm forgetting to tell you that are important, but I can't think of them right now." I shake my head, wiping the tears that have started. I stand up moving to the window, looking out at the night trying to get myself ready to tell her the next parts.

"Jess, stop, you don't need to tell me this. It's not going to make a difference in how I look at you. I can promise you that." She tells me as she stands starting towards me.

I hold my hand up trying to stop her from getting closer. I have to put this distance between us, the only reason I'm standing here, I think, is that this really isn't something that you can tell someone over the phone. "Please don't make promises you can't keep. You haven't heard the worst of what I've done or what's happened to me." I turn back to the window. "In the fall of that year, Mom started getting sick. She went to see the doctor and they did a bunch of tests, doc said she had cancer in her stomach and needed surgery quickly. It was like the week or so before Thanksgiving, so she agreed to do it after the holiday. It was supposed to be a minor surgery; she'd be in and out of the hospital within a week or so, so Christmas was still a go. She had her surgery, I remember I had to go to school that day, and I didn't want to, I wanted to be at the hospital. I got to go afterwards, and everyday I would go see her after school. Mom had arranged for her cousin to take care of me, that was a crock of crap, she didn't want to be there or take care of me. I was an added burden to her, just more time she had to take out of her life. Little over a week later, Mom came home from the hospital, but something was wrong. I had arranged without anyone knowing it, to take some time off from school, once the cousin left, I wouldn't have been able to get there anyway, but Mom needed some help healing anyway. Anyway, when Mom came home from the hospital, she was weak and running a fever. I couldn't get her to eat, and her moods ran hot and cold. One minute she was my mom, the next a monster. No one bothered to come by or check on us for the time that Mom was home, I remember one morning waking up to something sounding really odd in the house, turns out Mom had fallen and cut her face open. She couldn't get back up, so I picked her up and got her back in bed. I guess the family decided to stop by finally and see if we were still alive, cause later that afternoon, I was trying to get her to the bathroom, and she had fallen and I couldn't get her back up. Well, the doorbell rings, she starts threatening me if I answer it, I was 13, I didn't know what to do, the bell kept ringing, she kept yelling. Finally she passed out, and I answered the door. Turns out it was Da, he starts yelling cause of me mistreating Mom and stuff. He came in helped me get her back up and called 911. Things started getting messed up after that. When the medics got there, Mom didn't want to go to the hospital, I had to trick her. I still feel bad sometimes bout that, but she went finally.

"When they got her to the hospital, they figured out that she had an infection somewhere. They took her in for emergency surgery and Da took me back to his house to sleep some. He woke me up early in the morning to ask me a really important question. See the surgery showed some really bad things, and as much as they were able to do, they couldn't do enough. Her lungs collapsed, kidneys and liver shut down, and her heart was taking a serious beating. She had slipped into a coma, and they needed to know if they should put her on life-support or not. Da figured since he didn't really need her anymore, that I should make the decision. It wasn't hard to make, I was just a kid, a kid who needed a mom, so I told him to do it. I guess it was later that day when he took me back to the house and dropped me off. I guessed I stayed there for maybe 4 or 5 days before one of my 'friends' and her mom from my old school came by and told me in no uncertain terms that I was going to see Mom. It wasn't that I didn't care; I was just scared to see her like that. I hadn't wanted her to have the surgery in the first place, and seeing her like that would make the decision that I had had to make more real. I was fine with hiding in the house, not having to see her or talk to anyone.

"Needless to say, it was an argument I lost. They took me to the hospital, escorted me into the room, and made me face what was happening. They were the ones that explained to me what being on life-support meant and that in all probability, Mom would die. I freaked out, and they somehow got me out of the hospital and to Da's house. I stayed there for the night, and then the next day it was decided that I should be watched. Mom had been making me see a therapist, trying to figure out what was going on with me over all these years and stuff, and the therapist somehow thought I should stay there, even if they didn't want me to. I guess it was that night, I took my meds and went to bed, the next thing I know, and there are medics and cops yelling at me about trying to kill myself. I wasn't sure what they were talking about, but ended up in the hospital, drinking charcoal and all sorts of other fun stuff, explaining to more therapists what was going on and how I was dealing with it in my own way. Even though I had followed my dosage to the letter, I didn't understand what was happening then until it was too late. When I was discharged, they took me back to their house and then that afternoon, I was taken home to pack a bag." I stop again. I'm not so sure any more about telling her about all that's happened. I know that I have to, but it still hurts to think about it. "Can I get something else to drink?"

"Sure, love, just grab it out of the fridge, there's snacks to if you want. Help yourself. I'll say it again, you don't have to tell me this, and I don't need to know. I can see how much it's hurting you just remembering. Please don't hurt yourself anymore, I see it in your eyes." She reaches out laying her hand on my arm, I jump and flinch. I think that's one of the things that I hate the most that are left over from these memories, once I start remembering, it's like a video that plays in my mind. I never know if the touch is then or now. More than anything I hate flinching away from her. "Shh, love, stop for a minute, it's just me, Aly. Remember I'm not going to hurt you."

"I-I-I, uh, didn't mean to jump. Sorry bout that. It just startled me. Um, I have to tell you, you need to understand what I am. It's just that this stuff it's hard to talk about, but it's what made me what I am, whatever that is. You have to know. Just in case, here's my phone, last time I told someone, it wasn't healthy. If I start freaking out or something call Catherine, she knows what to do. Just so you know, I'm sorry about all this." I smile weakly at her moving back to the window, pulling over a chair, letting me sit and stare out the window as I tell her the rest. "He told me to pack a bag, he'd be back shortly to pick me up. I was starting to learn that I was just a pawn in whatever game was being played, so I did as he said, packing a bag with a few things in it. When he came back, he told me we were going to see a movie, just something to get my mind off of what was going on. I was happy that for once my brother seemed to want to spend time with me; I guess I should have known something was wrong then, but I didn't. After driving for a little while, we ended up in front of a nice building, it looked like a hospital. Come to find out it was, a mental hospital. We went inside, he told me that he needed to speak to someone first before we made the movie, and stupidly I believed him. We sat down and talked to someone, I don't remember now if it was a man or a woman, next thing I know, I was being shown to a room on a locked floor. Turns out that was going to be my new home for a while. That afternoon, he had gone to the courts with my therapist and the records from the police and hospital and gotten custody of me. That gave him the power to sign me into a mental hospital as my guardian. He left me there with the small bag I had packed and specific instructions to the staff that I was not to be allowed contact with the outside world. I laid that night in a room with white walls, two twin beds bolted to the floor, two desks also bolted to the floor, two chairs surprisingly not bolted to the floor, looking out a window covered with bars.

"I didn't find out much until the next morning, when a doctor came in. He was my mom's shrink so I thought it was all good, until he explained to me that I had tried to kill myself, which I might add I hadn't, and that until such a time as I could be a normal child, I would be staying in that room and the hospital. There was a nurse on the unit who when I told her about my mom, took pity on me and called to check on her, she was told that Mom didn't have a daughter. She took me to the pay phone and let me make a collect call; I took a chance and called my biological grandmother. When she answered, I told her what had happened and she said not to worry, that she would do something about it. I believed her. That was on the 15th of December, she came to see me that weekend. Seems that Da had forgotten one thing, to make out an allowed visitors list, so the staff let me do it, I had put Nan on it first thing. After her first visit, I got my first punishment, a trip to solitary confinement. Not much to mention, being striped down, strapped down and left for it was 36 hours I think for the first trip. I got out and went back to my room; I made a friend in the room across the hall, Jeanna. She kept me sane a lot of the time and protected me from the other kids on the unit. Nan was able to come see me a few more times, once she brought Jo, my biological mother, with her. That was interesting for sure, but all too soon, that was stopped too. It was made clear to me that any contact with the outside world was not to be allowed, no mail, no calls, no visitors and no news or newspapers. In the 6 months that I was there, I think I spent all but about two weeks in solitary. Funny thing is, every time I was in there, shortly after Jeanna ended up in the room next to mine. She spent most of her time telling me jokes, singing, yelling, whatever it took to keep me calm. The staff tried to break me and her both piping in the Eagles song Hotel California on repeat constantly for most of the time. It had the opposite effect that it was meant to, it gave me an escape, a place to go in my head that none of what was happening mattered.

"After I was released from there, I went directly to a group home. I spent another decent portion of time there, making enemies and not getting along with anyone. What people didn't realize, mainly the trained professionals, was that somewhere in the time that I was in the ward, I stopped feeling. All that I could feel was anger and rage. They had succeeded in partially breaking me, I wasn't the same person I was when I went in, and I was the exact opposite. I ran on automatic, not doing anything that I didn't have to, started playing pool on the table in the cottage I was staying in, whatever it took to avoid contact with anyone else.

"At some point, I don't really remember when now, Mom woke up from her coma. When she was able to come home, I guess it was about a month after she came home, Da gave her a choice, if she wanted me home too, and she'd have to give him up. I couldn't let her make that choice, so I stayed at the group home. I was there for another couple of months before they kicked me out too. I had to go home, but what I went home to, was not the same. Not only was I not the same, but I had to learn to handle medical equipment and different things like that. I did, giving Mom her IV's, changing her dressings and diapers. In some way, I guess it was a small price to pay to be back home, but things got worse. Again, no one came around, maybe every couple of weeks, someone would drop by some groceries or something like that, but other than that, it was just me and mom again. She didn't know how to deal with what had happened to her, and she didn't know what all had happened with me. Things settled into a pattern that became normal for us and I went back to school." I stop again, afraid to look over at her, but needing to see if I can read her expression. I don't know if I'm making any sense, or if she understands any of what I'm saying. I look at her, and I'm surprised by what I see, tears are running down her face. "Why are you crying?"

"For the person you lost, because you were hurt, and still are hurting over what happened to you." She tells me as if that explains it all. "You don't understand why I'm crying do you?"

I shake my head negative, so she continues. "You were pretty much a baby when you had your life taken from you. Forced to make decisions that most adults never have to make, put into situations that you couldn't understand, abused in ways that I can't even imagine. I'm sorry for the person that was lost, and the one who still doesn't understand what happened or how to deal with it. Besides that, I love you, you're hurting and that hurts me."

I sit there looking at her, trying to understand what's she's saying. I don't understand it in the least. She never knew that person, how can she be sorry for her? I hurt her; can't she see that I'm unstable? I mean come on; I was in a mental institution that should say something about the person I am, right? "Jess, come on, it's late I'm not letting you drive back to where ever you came from right now, let's just lay down. If you still want to when you wake up, you can tell me the rest, ok?"

"No, no, I can't. I broke open the lock, now that I have, there'll be nightmares. I'm not going to hurt you because I don't know the difference. I'll be fine; I'll just drive back to the house or something. I can't stay here, you're not safe with me here now." I shrink further back into the chair, starting to shake.

"Jess…"

"No, no, no," I just keep repeating it, shaking my head, trying to make her understand, and at the same time, trying to close some of the doors I've opened in my head. I hear her talking, I'm not sure if she's talking to me or someone else. She lays her hand on my arm and I fly out of the chair into the corner hugging a pillow to my chest.

"Jess, listen, Catherine is on the phone. She wants to talk to you." I look at her dumbly, taking the phone.

"Hello?" I almost whisper into it.

"Jess, do you need me to come get you? What did you tell her?" I listen to her talk, my voice surprises me- it's empty and sounds dead.

"I have to tell her everything I can't make it past OLOP and Bellwood. I'm losing it, don't know what's real. I know I'm going to wake up and be back there, none of this is happening. I'm not really here, they finally did break me. That must be what it is. I'm not sitting here, none of this is real." I keep talking, but I'm not hearing the voice in my ear anymore. I look up; she's taken the phone back and is worriedly pacing and looking at me.

"Hey, she'll be here in a few, ok? I, uh, well I'm just gonna sit over there, in that chair okay?" she points towards a chair that is almost across the room. I nod; at least there is some distance between us. I put my head on my knees, still clutching the pillow to my chest, and closing my eyes. None of this is real right now, so I might as well block it out too.

All too quickly, I hear pounding on the door, and then I hear Catherine's voice. Well, if this is real, then it's a good thing she's there, she can explain that I'm dangerous right now. I can only hope she can get me home.


	15. Chapter 14

CPOV

Sara and I were just getting ready to head out when my cell rang, seeing Squeak's name pop up on the screen, I immediately answer. "Hey, kiddo, what's going on?"

"Umm, is this Catherine?" I'm asked.

"Yeah who's this?" who would have Squeak's phone and be calling me?

"Oh, sorry this is Allyson, Jessica came over here earlier to talk, but she's not doing too well right now. I'm not sure what to do, she gave me her phone earlier and told me if something happened or she freaked out to call you. Would you mind coming by my hotel for a few minutes?" I listen to her explain this to me, wondering why Squeak went over there and what she told her. I ask to talk to her, and surprisingly she does talk to me, but her voice scares me. She did tell her a lot, but not what she wants to tell her yet. I pause as Allyson gets back on the phone, asking if I would come over.

"Uh, yeah we just ended shift, so I'll be there as soon as I can." I quickly tell her, getting the info on her hotel and room before turning to let Sara know what's going on.

"Sar, that was Allyson, apparently Squeak went over there to talk, freaked out and now they both are. I need to run by there before I go home, wanna ride with me or you want me to drop you off?"

"I'll go with, Allyson knows me, so it might help I can talk to her and you can deal with Squeak, sound good?" I smile as she finishes before nodding and heading towards the hotel. Arriving we stand outside the door as I reach up to knock. The door opens to reveal a young blond, eyes swollen and bloodshot from crying. "Hi, Allyson, I'm Catherine and of course you remember Sara, my partner."

"Yeah, hi, come on in. thanks for coming here so quickly, she's over there in the corner. I've tried to talk to her, but I can't get her to answer or respond in anyway. I'm not sure what's going on, it's like she's here, but she's not really here. I hoped that maybe you could get through to her or something." She walks in going to sit down, before starting to pace.

I look over to the corner Allyson indicated, and there she is, curled into herself, clinging to what looks like a pillow. I make my way over to her, sitting down next to her, not quite touching, but close enough that she'll notice I'm there. "Hey, Jess, you hiding in there somewhere?" I mimic the words I had spoken to her not too long ago at the diner, hoping she'll respond. When she doesn't, I reach out to touch her arm, finding it cold I stand to find a blanket or something to cover her with. I grab the comforter off the bed sitting back down and wrapping it around Squeak, and pulling her into a hug. She shudders in my arms and I look at her eyes finding them glazed over with memories. Turning my gaze from her to Sara and Allyson, I find them looking at us. I'm not sure how to explain what's going on with her right now, so I try the best I can. "A while back she was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, sometimes it's triggered by odd things. When she's faced with similar situations or talks about it and doesn't know how the other person will react, she slides back into the memories. Sometimes it's not that hard for her to get out of them, but other times she kinda gets stuck in them. She explained it to me once, said it's kinda like a mini-movie that plays out in front of her. It takes away her perception of reality and the memories."

They both look at me with completely different looks, Sara's look tells me she understands what I'm trying to explain, where as Allyson looks confused and at a loss. "What can I do? I didn't want her to tell me now, she didn't need to, it didn't matter." She starts to ramble tears starting to flow down her face.

"There's not much to do, she has to work through this, find her way back. It's hard for her to open up about her past; it's what she's fought against most of her life. There's a lot more that she needs to tell you, but I can't tell you that it's going to happen anytime soon." I know I should shut up, but the anger I felt for Squeak being put through what she has been and to top it off with what happened to bring her back here, I can't stop myself. "What happened with your father and her coming back here, it brought it back to the surface for her. One thing I can tell you is that when she feels like she's going to do something that will lead her backwards, she runs. That's why she ran after she realized what happened that night. She didn't want to face you looking at her any different. If she left, then she wouldn't have to hurt you or herself anymore."

"I didn't know that he was going to do that. I was shocked when he started in. Jess had gone to the kitchen to get dessert, and he took advantage of the opportunity. I didn't expect the way things went either, but I do understand her reaction. I wanted to hit him when he had a hold of her, but I knew I couldn't do anything that would get him to let go. I tried talking to him, finally telling him to get out. Like I told Sara, I'm pretty sure that's what set him off. I didn't want to hear what he had to say about Jess, it wasn't his place to tell me. I'm not stupid, I know that she has a past and that there are things she's not ready to tell me about. I told her a long time ago that she didn't have to tell me until she was ready. When I talked to her earlier, I told her the same thing that I didn't want to hear it from anyone but her, and I told her that someday when she was or wanted to, that I would listen. I didn't want to push her, I still don't. I hate seeing her like this, I don't like her hurting. I don't think she believes it, but I do still love her, no matter what." She smiles a little.

We fall into a silence, each lost in our own thoughts. I don't want to leave Jess here, but I'm not sure how she would react if we stayed here. At least at my house, she might recognize some of the surroundings, maybe feel a little bit safer. I make my decision. "Sara, will you help me get her to the car. I think she might do better at home. Allyson, you're more than welcome to come with us if you want. I'll warn you now it's going to be a bumpy ride for a few days."

"I have some of her things with me. I'd like to come with you if you don't mind." Her voice sounds small, not at all like what you would expect. I nod and she quickly grabs a bag that's already packed and throws a few things in another bag. "That should be all either one of us need. When she left and didn't take anything, I packed some of her stuff with mine when I set out to find her."

Sara makes her way over to us. I loosen my hold on Squeak, hearing a whimper in response. "Shh, I'm not leaving, we're just going to the car and then home." I whisper in her ear. I watch her face relax a bit, before I nod to Sara and she picks her up. Slowly our little group makes its way out of the room and down to the car. It's going to be an interesting day for all of us. Quickly we get situated into the car and make our way towards the house.

I'm trying to wrap this story up as quickly and completely as possible... Please let me know what you think about what's happened so far... thanks!!!!!!


	16. Chapter 15

JPOV

I wake slowly looking around the room, realizing I'm at Catherine's; I can't help but wonder if it was all just a bad dream. Judging by the light in the room, it's somewhere near late afternoon. I wonder how long I've been asleep this time. Getting out of bed, I head downstairs, not caring that I'm still in my pajamas. I feel numb, hoping that what happened was all just a dream, but somehow I don't think it was. What am I to do if it was real and I did tell her? I follow the voices into the kitchen, surprised to find Allyson sitting with Catherine and Sara at the kitchen table.

"Um, hi?" gee words must not be working with me yet. I watch as Sara and Allyson look to Cath for guidance as to speaking to me or not, might as well help them out some. "How long have I been asleep?"

"It's been 2 days since you last woke up. I was starting to wonder if we were going to have to call a doctor in or not." Catherine smiles, I wonder what all has happened, but more than that I'm curious as to why Allyson is here.

"Two days, well it's been awhile since I've slept that long." I fake a laugh in hopes to lighten the mood. "So what's been going on in the world without me?"

"Not much, we've been here mostly keeping an eye on you and stuff." She tells me. I wonder if she's hiding something from me. I search her eyes but she's keeping them neutral.

"What happened, I know there is something that you're not telling me what is it?" I'm afraid to know, but I need to know. If I do know, then maybe I can do a little damage control. I wonder for a moment, who is going to be the first to speak, they're looking back and forth at each other.

"Jess, why don't we go upstairs and talk. There are a few things we need to talk about anyway." Surprise its Allyson who tells me this, I look to Catherine and Sara as if for guidance, and they both nod at me. I nod and stand up starting towards the stairs again, assuming she's following. I make my way to my room and slide back into the corner of the bed leaning on the headboard. I wonder where she's going to sit, but find out when she takes a spot on the end of the bed. "After you came to me the other night to talk, you slipped off into your own world. I got worried so I called Catherine. She and Sara came to my room and when she was able to get you calmed down, we all came back here. They got you up here and into bed, it wasn't too long after that you started having nightmares. Since then we've all taken turns sitting with you, trying to help as much as possible, even if it was only to keep you from hurting yourself."

"Thanks for staying; I'm surprised you didn't run after I told you what I did. Did I talk much?" I'm surprised that they we able to keep me from getting hurt or hurting them.

"There were a few times you said a few things, but other than that you pretty much just thrashed around. I told you earlier, I love you; I want to work things out. That's all there is to it." She half smiles as she tells me this.

"So I'm guessing that you really don't want to tell me what I said huh? I can only imagine. I know the things that are in the dreams, so I can figure I talked about that or maybe just pieces of it that didn't make any sense. Am I right?" I ask and she nods. "What do you want to know? Surely you have questions after hearing some of the things you did."

"I do, but right now they aren't important. You're what's important, what's going on in your head? Tell me what you thinking." She looks directly at me when she asks this. I can't refuse her now after everything she's gone through with and because of me.

"I can't help but wonder why you're still here. I'm wondering what all I said. I'm wondering where things go from here. I'm confused all around. Just a whole bunch of stuff." I just shrug as I tell her this. I'm not sure how to describe how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. "I feel numb. Kind of like I'm not really here, like this is one big dream and I'm still asleep or something. I think even though everyone is here, I'm still alone."

"I wish I could say I understand what you feel, but I don't. I can tell you that this is happening, I am still here. I'm not going anywhere. Even though you feel like you're alone, I promise you, you're not. I'm right here; Catherine and Sara are just downstairs. As for why I'm still here, I told you I want a chance for us to work things out. We have something good, and I believe we can make it work. I know there is a lot that we have to talk about and work through, but I'm not giving up. I love you. As for what you said, it's not important right now." She runs her hand over the comforter, randomly picking at the material. I haven't seen her this anxious in a while.

"I'm afraid to; I don't want to hurt you anymore. I wish I could turn back time to before all this happened. We were happy and I want that back. I don't know how to make it better." I glance up at her before dropping my head onto my knees. I feel the tears soak into the material of my pants. I feel the bed shift and an arm snake around my back. I stiffen on instinct; I don't want to hurt her again.

"Shh, I'm not going to hurt you, let me protect you for a little while. Just you and me again, just for a bit." She whispers in my ear. I don't want to fight it any more; I relax into her feeling her wrap me in a tight hug, rocking gently. "I know you're confused right now, and you don't know what to do. There are just two things to remember, one I won't hurt you and two I do love you no matter what. Just remember that and we'll be okay."

I nod against her, shifting more into her arms. I continue to sob, holding tightly to her, listening to the words being whispered in my ear, feeling the movement of her hands, one rubbing my back, the other through my hair. The sound of her heartbeat strong and steady, beating a perfect rhythm.

APOV

I sit here on the bed holding the love of my life, but not knowing how to make things better for her. I'm kind of surprised that she is letting me hold her when she is awake; I've been the only one able to hold her while she has been sleeping. I continue to run on hand up and down her back, while the other one gently plays with strands of her hair. I whisper words of comfort and reassurance to her; I only hope they are helping her. I listen to her sniffles and stutters, her breath coming in hiccups. Soon she will sleep again, all cried out, and we will continue this until the next time she wakes.

Fortunately Catherine has been through this with her before, so she was able to give me some advice and ideas. She had told me that I might not be able to get any reaction from Jessica, that she might not recognize me at all. I must admit, I'm relieved that she's letting me hold her and that she has talked to me. It's strange though after the weeks that she's been gone and I haven't been able to hold her, to suddenly have her near me and in my arms again. The feeling of coming home is tremendous, even if we are not at home. This place is still a home for her and that's what matters. She's safe and cared for here; it's a refuge a place of comfort.

Truthfully, some of the things that she talked about while she was asleep scared me, but until I know what her actual memories are of the events I have no context for them. There were times she called out to me in her sleep, begging me to make it all stop. Those times will haunt me for times to come, not being able to break into her dreams and help her break my heart. I do want to understand what haunts her, but I won't ask her. I never wanted to push her into telling me any of this stuff. I am so angry at my father for putting us in this situation. I won't forget the things he said to me that night, nor what I told him.

'_See what she is? This is what you claim to love! How long before she does the same to you? You expect me to sit around and wait for a call from a hospital or the police telling me that my baby is injured or dead? I'm not going to do it. I'm taking you home and you will forget about that piece of trash. You'll thank me one day.' He yells at me when I come back in the house. I had run to the end of the street trying to catch up with her, but she was too fast. _

'_You think that trying to tell me things that I don't want to know and pushing her into a corner in her home are going to tell me anything? I know what I need to know about her. I know she has a past, and I know it's tough for her. We have talked about that, and I'm telling you what I told her, I don't want to know until she is ready to tell me. What you did here tonight was not right. Whatever it was that you were hoping to accomplish, I hope you got your wish. I'll tell you one thing I'm not going home with you, and I'll never thank you for what you did tonight. You hurt the person I love, you caused her to lash out for whatever reason.' I yell at him. 'There is one thing that I am going to do and that is take you to the hospital, and then I am coming back here and hope that she will come home. I will be here waiting for her here when she does, and if she doesn't I will find her.'_

_I go to the counter and pick up my keys and id. 'Let's go. You need to be checked out at the hospital.' I wait until Mom and Dad have both made their way out of the house before locking the door and heading to the car._

'_I have every intention of filing a police report and seeing her prosecuted for what she did to me. She won't get away with it this time. I'm not someone she can push around." My father says angrily. I'm thankful that we are sitting at a red light as I look over at him. _

'_If that's what you want to do, then do it, but know this, you will never see me or hear from me again. I will not forgive you for what you did tonight. And believe me when I tell you, that if you do follow through with that, I will make sure that the police and the prosecutor know what you did and see the bruises that I have. What she did was self defense, plain and simple. You committed the original assault and I will make sure that fact is made known. Just think how much the stockholders and your friends would love to hear that you assaulted not only your daughter, but her girlfriend too.' I smile at him before looking back at the road again. 'Just something to think about.'_

_It may not be the smartest thing to do, but I do love her and I know that she was only defending me. She didn't attempt to hurt him when he was holding her, only when he grabbed me did she do anything. It maybe misconstrued logic, but the way I see it she was defending me and I love her for it. I just wish she hadn't taken off. Arriving at the hospital we make our way in and Dad signs in to be seen. _

_Once he is taken back, the nurse comes out to confirm his story with me and Mom. Apparently he explained to them that he was rough housing with some friends and things got a little out of control. I agree with his story and we wait for the results of his tests and for him to be discharged. When that time comes he has a broken nose and arm to show for his efforts. I dropped them off at their hotel, heading out to look for her. _

I feel her start to move in my arms, "Hey, its okay, you're safe. I've got you." I loosen my hold on her just a bit; don't want her to feel trapped. I look down at her face and see her looking up at me.

"I don't think I told you I'm sorry bout attacking your dad. I don't have any real explanation other than I saw he was hurting you, and I wanted to protect you, make the pain stop. I didn't realize how bad I hurt him until I stopped and then I had to get away. I didn't want to look at you and see anger or pity in your eyes, so I ran. Ran just as fast as I could, just kept running as long as I could. I really am sorry." I see the tears building in her eyes again, and I want to try to make them stop before they begin this time.

"If you had looked at me, then you wouldn't have seen anger or pity, just confusion. His behavior didn't make sense to me at that time, I knew he had a hold of me and it hurt, then it stopped. You made it stop, what you did was in defense of me. I may never be able to convince you of that, but it is what I believe. I wish you hadn't run, I did try chase after you, but I couldn't catch up with you." I tell her making sure to look in her eyes; I want her to see the truth in mine. I have to be able to get through to her. I figure this maybe one of my last chances with her.

"I was afraid to look at you. Afraid you'd see what I really am, I'm still afraid of that. There is so much more I have to tell you, and I'm not sure how to tell you. Its stuff I'm not proud of, but it has happened." I can feel her pulling away from me, so I let her go. I don't know what she has to tell me.

"You say you have to tell me, and I understand that. Is it something you have to tell me right now, or can it wait until you feel better?" I have to give her the chance to back out again, I doubt she will but I still have to give it to her.

"It probably could wait, but it needs to come out. I'm afraid if I don't tell you now, I won't ever tell you." She shrugs as she tells me this. There is a knock at the door, and Catherine comes in.

"Hey, I just wanted to check on you two. See how you are doing." Catherine tells us walking towards the bed.

"I was getting ready to tell her the rest of my story. I figure it's time to get it all out in the open." Jess looks at Catherine, and they have a silent conversation. "You and Sara can stay if you want. I know you already know it, but it's up to you."

"I think this is a conversation best had between the two of you. If there is any chance of you working things out, then it needs to be done without us interfering. Just know that if either of you needs anything we'll be right downstairs." We both nod and she heads out leaving us alone again.

"I'm not sure where to start. So I guess I'll just jump in and stuff. After I got out of Bellwood, I took care of my mom. She had some complications after she came out of the coma, and I did her IVs and stuff. I started to high school shortly after I came home; it wasn't the best time in my life either. I spent a lot of time in my locker there. I dropped out shortly after the start of my sophomore year and started home schooling. I had finished that by the time I was 16, but waited a couple of years to get my diploma. I worked as much as I could during that time, still taking care of mom as she needed it. My brother was in and out of our lives as he saw fit, and after my niece was born, he took her away as he saw fit too. I guess it was my 19th birthday; I had finally had enough of being responsible for so much and took off. I packed the car up with some clothes and stuff and took off to Pennsylvania. I moved in with a girl I had met off the internet. I know not the smartest thing to do, but at the time it made sense. Things were good for a little while, until I ended up being raped and pregnant. I was like 6 months along when I miscarried. Course saying it like that makes it sound natural. It wasn't, but there wasn't anything I could do to stop it. I also found out that she had been cheating on me. I moved back home after that.

"Coming home was easier than I thought it would be. Mom of course was glad to see me, but I didn't tell her what all had happened to bring me back home. Every now and again she would say something about me being different than I used to be, but that was about it. My anger problem was steadily getting worse. I would lash out for little or no reason, but didn't care. I dated a few other losers after that before hooking up with another mistake. This time though my mistake landed me in jail. I had been seeing this girl for a couple of years I think, we got a place together and soon after that, a couple of her friends ended up living with us. Even though I didn't like it, I never said anything. It was easier to believe that when she said 'I love you' that she meant it for real. Well one night one of the other girls asked if we could take her to her old house. Somehow it got decided that we would, so we did. I drove us all there, and she went around the back of the place. She started bringing stuff out and putting it in the car, well when she asked Martha if she would help her, she went with her. Eventually they got all the stuff in the trunk and we left. Funny thing is as we were leaving, we got pulled over. Something didn't feel right to me about what had happened. I hoped the officer would pull me out and question me, but he let us go with a warning. Once we got home, they brought the stuff in the house, and I went to bed. I found out the next day that what had happened was an actual burglary. I freaked out, and went to the cops. I guess that was mistake number 2, cause I ended up in jail. Go figure, long story short, Mom came and bailed me out 2 nights later and eventually I plead out to a lesser charge." She pauses to gather her thoughts and I take the opportunity to ask a question.

"If you didn't have anything to do with it, why take a plea?"

"It was a matter of facing the lesser of the evils. My attorney didn't believe me and wasn't putting up much of a defense for me, and the evidence showed that I was a part of it even if I never went in or touched anything. Seems that by my driving it made me just as responsible. The prosecutor offered me a deal that plead me down to a misdemeanor, saying that by my driving I made possible a situation that lead to the committing of a crime. It would give me 2 years basically of probation, and if in those two years I didn't get into any trouble, it went away. That was better than the 5 – 10 years I was looking at serving in prison. I took the deal, plead guilty and tried to put it behind me. Being the idiot that I am, I still was dating her for almost another year after that. Eventually we broke up, and I moved out here to try and start again. What is important that you understand is that during that relationship, there were times that she and I would get into heated arguments. These arguments would lead to physical fights. Most of the time, I would try to leave, but she would stop me somehow. That usually led to me becoming angrier and blacking out. When I black out, I become violent. It's why I would try to leave, give myself a chance to calm down. It's why I still leave, I'm afraid of the person I become when that happens." She pauses and adjusts positions on the bed. "You saw a little bit of that person that night with your dad. I don't want to be that person around you. You don't deserve it; I don't want to hurt you."

I take a deep breath and think about what I've just been told. Yes it scared me when she attacked, but she didn't harm me. There have been times we've argued, but never has she lashed out or attacked me, she always has called a time out or just went for a run. I have to admit I'm not sure how I would react to that side of her. I'm not sure I want to see that side of her. "I need to think about all this, but there are a few things I need to know. First, if you consider yourself to be so violent, then why have you never hurt me? Second, would you go to counseling?"

She looks at me like I've suddenly grown a second head. "I don't want to hurt you; it's why I leave when I start getting upset or angry. I'm trying to change that person. I was in counseling when I first came back to DC, and I'm willing to give it another try. What else do I have to lose?" her voice sounds so defeated.

"I'm going to go get something to drink. You want something?" I ask as I stand up. I need to think about this.

"I'll come with, I could use some food." I nod and we head downstairs.


	17. Chapter 16

JPOV

I'm sitting out back again on my bench. Aly stayed in the house, I think she wanted to talk things over with Catherine and Sara. I know it's a lot that I've laid on her, but I have to admit that if I want to continue a relationship with her, she has to know the whole story. I wouldn't blame her though if she left and never looked back. Sometimes I wish I had it that easy, just to run from me completely and never look back again. It's just not that easy, no matter how much I want it to be. I'm surprised when I see a shadow and then a person beside me. Looking up I see Sara, and although she's sitting next to me, it looks like she's staring out at the same point on the fence that I've been staring at. I let the silence go waiting for her to say something; I never really know what to say to her.

"We have a lot in common, you know?" Sara tells me breaking the silence. "I've heard a little about your life, and it sounds familiar."

I look at her in shock. What does she mean we have a lot in common? "Huh?" my speech must have left with my brain, cause I'm not making the connection here.

"Well, my childhood sucked to be honest, things happened that probably shouldn't have to any child or person, but they did. Either way, I made it through, it's taken a lot to get me to this point, but I made it and you can too." She tells me this as if it's perfectly obvious to everyone but me. "I'm not saying that it is going to be easy, but from what I hear you're pretty stubborn. That's what it's going to take to be able to get through."

"How do you figure I can get through this? I've hurt one of the people that means the most in the world to me, and I'm not sure that anything I can do or say will ever change that. She put her trust and faith in me not to cause any harm, even if she didn't know about my past, and I basically stomped on it. I can tell her I'm sorry and that it won't happen again till I'm blue in the face, but there is no guarantee that it won't happen again. I can't risk doing that to her. She deserves better than that from not only me, but life in general." I tell her looking back out to the fence.

"Let me tell you this, it might help it all make sense." She sighs before continuing. "When I came to Vegas, I was so sure that I wasn't going to stay here, I was just going to do my job and leave again. I ended up staying, and eventually, the team started noticing how I reacted to certain cases. When it comes to rape and abuse cases, they really get under my skin. It takes a lot out of me, and they bring back memories that I don't want to remember. I still have a job to do, no matter how I feel about them. During one case, Catherine confronted me about my reactions and there was a huge argument. I ended up suspended with a lot of time to think. During my time off, she came by my place, told me she wasn't going to leave until she had an answer. I played her off like I'm sure that you've done with Alyson, told her that it wasn't a big deal it was in the past best left to stay there. But you know her, if she wants the answer she'll get it out of you somehow. We weren't really friends or anything else at the time, and I was sure once she heard about my past she'd never want anything else to do with me. I guess it took her a few weeks to get my story out of me, but once she did, it did change things, for the better. We started working on a friendship and she was there with me when I went to see a counselor. I'm not saying it'll be the same for you, but if nothing else, we'll be beside you every step of the way. Believe me; if I can do it, you can too."

When she stops talking, I think over everything she has said. I know that I did it once; put the past behind me, but this has brought it all up again. I'm wondering how long it's going to take to get things back to normal for me again. I may never be back to that state of being again, but at least I'll have two people helping me along. "It's going to be hard either way. I can't decide if I want to tell her to run from me or if I want to hold on for all I'm worth. I bounce back and forth between the two." I drop my head onto my hands as I talk. "I'm not even sure where she stands. I told her the rest of my past, and all she says is 'I'm going to get something to drink'. What kind of response is that? I came out here thinking that maybe she just needed space to digest it, but I'm not sure anymore."

"Its true, she probably did need time to think it through, but what is important is that she is still inside the house. As long as she's still here, there's still a chance for your relationship. I'm gonna ask you this once more, are you willing to fight for your relationship or are you just going to give up?" she asks me.

"I don't want to lose her, but I'm not sure that I'm strong enough to be able to fight her and me both. Thanks for talking with me, Sara, it means a lot. Do you still have the number of the counselor?" I ask.

"Yeah I do. Come with me and I'll get it for you." She stands up heading back towards the house and I follow. We head into the library and she hands me the number before turning to leave.

"Stay, please?" I'm not strong enough to do this alone. She nods and I pick up the phone. "Um, hi, I'd like to make an appointment please." I wait until the person on the other end comes back. "No I've not seen one of your counselors I've just recently gotten back into town. A friend gave me your number. I'd like to see someone as soon as possible if you have an opening. Oh yeah I guess that would help, my name is Jessica. Okay thanks I'll be there."

I hang the phone up, leaning on the desk for a minute. I feel two arms ease around my waist I try not to tense up at the feeling. "When do you go?" I hear her ask me.

"Next Monday at 10, it was the first opening they had. How much did you hear?" I'm almost afraid of the answer.

"Not much, just enough." She tells me.

"Where'd Sara go?"

"After I talked to Catherine, I saw you and Sara come in here. I wanted to talk to you, and I admit I was eavesdropping. I wanted to know if you would do it without knowing my thoughts." Aly tells me. "Hey, just so you know, if you want, I'll go with you Monday."

"I'd like that. I know it's not really right of me to ask after all that I've told you, but what do you plan on doing?" I ask looking back down at the desk in front of me.

The arms around me loosen, and I feel her turning me around to face her. She puts a finger below my chin, raising my face to look at her. "I want you to be looking at me when I tell you this. You've told me a lot in the last week, I've heard things about you that I can't help but feel my heartbreak for you experiencing. I'm hoping that somewhere in there you had some happy times, but I want you to know, it's going to take a lot more than that to make me walk away from you."

I look at her as she tells me this, and I feel the teardrops working their way down my face. "How can you say that? I'm not what you first met or loved. I'm a messed up person filled with a lot of old hurts and insecurities."

"That's just it, you are the same person I first met, and the one I fell in love with. We're all messed up in someway, as for old hurts and insecurities; I always knew you had those. I just didn't know what they were; now I do. Here's the kicker to that though, now that I know what they are, we can work through them. Even better, you ARE what I want and who I love. That's what matters to me" she smiles at me before leaning in and giving me the quickest of kisses. "I'll be beside you every step of the way; it doesn't matter if we stay here in Vegas or if we head back to DC. Either way I'm going to be there, besides we still have a few plans we made to make come true."

I laugh before leaning back in for another kiss. "Well I for one am glad this story has a semi-happy ending. Oh and so you know, Squeak, you have me and Sara both there with you." I smile at Catherine, she always has been there. "From what I hear, there's a ceremony to be planned."

"Not anytime soon" I groan. "There is a lot we have to talk about and work through before we get there. Besides, I want the perfect ceremony for Aly; she deserves it and so much more." I get a look from Aly that I know so well. "Okay I give, you two plan it; eventually just tell me when to show up and what to wear." Sara just looks at me and shrugs. "Even better, we couldn't have a ceremony before you two do, what kind of children would we look like."

Oh yeah I like that look even better on Sara and Catherine's faces. I steal another kiss from Aly, before heading over to give Kit and Sara a hug and thanking them. It's been a long few weeks since I called her to come get me, but I finally feel like I'm home. I have my love beside me, and the love of a family. Who knows maybe things can turn out right after all.

**Hello all, just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has followed this story and reviewed. It's been a long journey that's for sure. I'm not sure if there is going to be a sequel to this or not. **

**Thanks again for reading!!!!!**

**Much love,**

**gravitygirl**


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